Things change so fast.
Just yesterday I was young, beautiful and in love. I had my life ahead of me and I thought I knew it all.
THEN - my heart was broken, I grew up, got older and...Life happened.
Time...where did you go?
I seem to ask this question a lot. Today was one of those days. I had the dreaded appointment with the doctor. It seems I had some blood work that was questionable along with some other symptoms that I felt were brought on by stress, but concerning enough to the doctor to investigate thoroughly.
As my luck would have it a few days ago I was showering and I felt a terrible pain in my back. When I got out and toweled off - I felt something. It hurt and was bleeding. I had Stace check it out and lo and behold I had a huge MOLE. I had no idea where it came from - never noticed it before. It was bleeding and painful. It is on my lower back where it does not even get sun exposure.
Today the doctor scanned my entire body and she said that I had 2 moles that needed to be biopsied. I underwent the procedure gritting my teeth and just being as womanly as I could. She then ordered a huge series of blood tests. When she started asking me what kind of CANCER history my family had - my world changed.
Things...they can change so fast.
CANCER? Not me! I use sunscreen, I do not smoke, rarely drink, have never done drugs.
None of that matters. Cancer she told me is not choosy. It has no rhyme or reason and does not care who it invades. It is just like Satan - evil and terrible.
My mind whirled. Thinking of all my strange changes that my body has been undergoing. I had been attributing them to stress and getting old, no big deal. Now worry, doubt and fear rushed into my mind like a flood.
I thought to myself - "Well . . . here is just another hill to climb that could lead to a mountain that I may have to overcome."
I had better make each day count as we never - ever - know what the next minute holds. I looked at my kids with more patient eyes today, more love that I already have for them. My tiredness is earned by mothering each of them.
It will be a few days until my tests come back. I will use that time to prepare my mind and soul for whatever journey that the Lord now has in store for me. Good or bad, I will be ready to face it.
Time. It passes so fast. I am missing so many people. Summer is here and people are going here and there. I miss my Trenton. He is visiting my brother and has been gone all month. Chloe our trusted babysitter is in Hawaii. Megan her sidekick, has had summer school. My mom and dad are gone too. They went to Havasu to have a reprieve from all the stress that life has brought to us. They are the keepers of my dog Romeo. When I am sad, he brings me joy. He as no idea about life. He just loves me unconditionally. I miss him.
I think of all the friends I had in high school and have reconnected with, but have yet to see. I wish there was just more TIME.
I hate feeling rushed. Panic sets in. I start to shake, sweat and my heart beats very fast. I need time. I pray that the Lord will not decide that my "time" here is done. I have kids to raise, nieces and nephews to love. Weddings to attend, births to celebrate. Friendships to cultivate.
I will keep my fork, as I pray that the best is yet to come.
I will pray that the Lord's plan is one I can trust and not live in fear and doubt. I have places to see, things to do and people to love.
Just pray for my strength...I need it now. Somehow the facts that I do not have the money to pay this bill and that, my van needs new tires, and it has been super hot outside does not matter as much.
Life. That matters. We need to make the most of each moment.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Things change so fast.
Labels: Cancer - a 4 letter word.