Cracking...

Superwoman has lost her cape.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

I have tried to persevere, stay strong and ask God to hear my cries. I have hit a wall. I feel like I am going to crack.

Yesterday it became very clear that Taylor's fragile emotional state needed constant attention. In an effort to get him help - we called the social worker and got him in ASAP. She assessed him and agreed that he needed help right away. She called several in-patient treatment centers and spoke to him about the importance of getting into a place and staying there.

It is either this - or jail.

No parent ever wants to think of their child in jail. It is a terrifying thought.

She found an open bed at the Phoenix House in Santa Ana. We came home and tried to prepare him and show him on the Internet all about the program. He was not "excited" but felt relieved and agreed that he needs to go.

At 3:00pm I dropped him off at Nikki's and by 4:00pm she sent me a text, say that they got into an argument and that Taylor left saying that we would never see him again.

I had a pit in my stomach and felt like we had lost him forever. I prayed and asked the Lord that his will be done. I asked for relief from this emotional hell that we have been living with Taylor. Many hours passed and I sat worried. He finally showed up at the hotel around 9:00pm under the influence of marijuana - so he said.

This morning he packed his bags and we all were prepared for him to go to the Phoenix House and start his journey of rehabilitation.

We drove there with the tension running high. We arrived and found out that we were misinformed and there was not an opening but rather a 6 week wait.

I broke down - I cried and cried. It was if they had handed me a death sentence for my son. We drove home in silence as I sobbed and wept for my child. He was within reach - but help is so far away.

I fear the days ahead. I will rely on the Lord to handle this as I can not any longer.

We should be celebrating that we are to move tomorrow - but the happiness is overshadowed with worry and grief.

Pray that the social worker can help Taylor before he decides to help himself and end his life - or hurt someone else. My heart is so broken - I felt it CRACK today - another time.

I have a pain in my chest where my heart lays beating. It is a pain that I can not describe. A pain that I do not want to feel. Please pray that I am able to carry on. I need to rest, revive and keep on keeping on. I know what I need to do - doing it is another thing.

I will keep you posted.
XOXO
Janean

Mental Illness and Addiction

I never thought when I gave birth for the first time that my son would journey down the path of addiction and mental illness. Trying to get him help has proved to be the most challenging and most frustrating thing I have ever gone through.

The hospital released him, the social worker then placed him in an "out patient" treatment program that requires self control and discipline. He lacks both. After leaving the social workers office he was right back at it.

He called us yesterday repeatedly asking for money - he was slurring his words and not making sense. It was very clear he was under the influence of something. We took the tough love approach and denied him. He continued to call us late into the night.

Earlier yesterday I discovered that he stole my debit card when I took him to the social worker's office. I was able to get it back from him and he did not acknowledge that he took it. He claimed he had it by mistake as he was retrieving his ID from my wallet and must have accidentally took the debit card too. He is not trustworthy.

It breaks my heart to see him self destruct. It will be some time before they can get him into a residential treatment center - as there are waiting lists. Pray that he can go sooner than later. The longer he is left to his own devices the worse it will be.

He has a dual diagnosis -
A dual diagnosis occurs when an individual is affected by both chemical dependency and an emotional or psychiatric illness. Both illnesses may affect an individual physically, psychologically, socially, and spiritually. Each illness has symptoms that interfere with a person’s ability to function effectively and relate to themselves and others. Not only is the individual affected by two separate illnesses, both illnesses interact with one another. The illnesses may exacerbate each other and each disorder predisposes to relapse in the other disease. At times the symptoms can overlap and even mask each other making diagnosis and treatment more difficult.

As a parent it is our job to care for and fix things for our kids. It is so emotionally draining when things are so far out of your control and all you can do is sit back and watch. No one will ever know the heartache unless you are forced to live it. I pray that you will never feel what I am feeling where my son is concerned.

Pray for Taylor - he is in crisis.
We go today at 3:00pm to see his social worker - I hope she has some answers.

XOXO
Janean