Fear...Faith...Fact...Fiction...

There are days that my FAITH is overshadowed with FEAR. Days where I long that the FACTS of my reality were indeed FICTION. I cling to faith even when there is but a shred there - or so it seems. I know tomorrow is another day and that I must find another way to cope with this thing called life. I know that there is something greater than I going on just beyond my reach. One day that greatness will belong to me. I just have to hold on and wait for that time.

We got a call a couple of days ago that there were some "bond" or low income properties that have come available. We have spent the past days going from one to another placing holds here and then there. Coming "home" to research elementary schools and middle schools so that I am educated in the decision making for what is best for my children. I have gone to about 8 properties and toured model apartments - albeit small, trying to envision making these 850 sq foot 2 bedroom places "our home". I have measured bedrooms to see if a 10 foot by 10 foot bedroom would hold a set of bunk beds and a twin bed for my 3 boys. I have taken the kids to see the different properties and have taken their opinions into consideration.

We got our hopes up - we got excited about making a "place" into a "home". But the facts are not fiction - my fear overtook my faith. I was told today that due to the eviction - we would not be able to qualify to rent ANY place from ANY property management company or apartment complex. Even though we can explain and have records to back that we have been good renters for 12 of our 20 year marriage and property owners for 8 of the years - that will not do. We are now looked upon like felons or child perpetrators. I was told that the "E" word was like saying "BOMB" in the airport.

So it is - our fate is sealed. We will not be renting an apartment, condo or home that is managed by a company. We have to pray that we can find a caring individual that knows us - our heart and our strong work ethic. For now - a hotel room is our home. That is the FACT I will deal with. Faith I will have that something will come - all in the right time. Happy about it? Not really. Ask yourself - do you take having a "home" for granted? Do your kids have their own space, do you have a room to retreat to? We did. We also took it for granted. You never know how great something is until it is gone.

So no matter what the space - we will appreciate having somewhere to call home when the time comes. We may have to move to Lake Havasu. My mom and dad have a home there - I have just not wanted to go back to the heat and schools there. Turner needs special education services and my kids are my main priority. I do not want Trenton exposed to a lax lifestyle of "bumming around and partying" which Lake Havasu is known for. I dream that he will want to go to college and become all that he can be.

Time will tell - perhaps years from now - we can look back and laugh about this journey - this time in our lives. I hope it is but a blip in the minds eye of my kids and that they will not suffer due to these trials.

I will keep you updated...

Blessings.
xoxo
Janean

Tears of Uncertainty...

I certainly do not hold any answers. I wish I did. Today we were served with an "Unlawful Detainer" - Notice to Evict.

I have never not been able to work or pay my bills - or not have a roof over my head. I am just numb right now.

I have cried all the tears that I had for today. I sit here asking what is the next step - oh God. I see a very rough path ahead - and I am so sad for my boys.

Security is my job - to give them love and security of a home. That will not be the case in a few short days.

We do not know what to do with our things, how to sell or get rid of the accumulation of years worth of keepsakes, memories and items we no longer need.

Where will we live? How will we survive? What do I tell my kids?

Hard questions - with no answers. I love adventure - just not this kind. This is a very scary adventure that I want no part of - but am forced into against my will.

Pray for us - please. I need you now more than ever . . .
XoXo
Janean

PS - I just got this from Elaine - it is just what I need and wanted to share...

Concentrate on this Sentence:
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Concentrate on this sentence:
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'