If Heaven Was Needing A Hero

Spiritual Warfare

In preparation for our Mission Trip we were told to expect Spiritual Warfare.  I have seen it a time or two, have lived it on occasion.  It is very mighty and powerful and very real.  If you have never been through it first hand you may think I am a whack-o.  You see, when you are preparing to do something for the greater glory of God's Kingdom, the enemy wants to stop you at all cost.  

Members of our Mission Team are all undergoing these battles.  We can't let Satan win and expend useless energy on it.  We  must remain focused on our "mission" and forge on.  I have been reading a lot on this subject and came across this:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

This is what manhood is. This is what God is after. This is what he wants to make us in Christ. But the battle is not to become this kind of a man, for this is the kind of man Christ makes us when we follow him. The battle is to show it, to reveal it, to manifest what we are and thus to refuse to believe the lies that keep us weak and make us act like and animal rather than a man. Put on the whole armor of God, all that Christ is, pray, and having done all, stand!

I have learned in recent dealings that people may falsely accuse you.  People will misunderstand you.  I could choose to "fight the fight" or stand - silent.  God does not want me to waste energy trying to win battles, but rather rest in that He knows my heart and the truth.  I have a clear perspective, which I know comes from Him.  Yes, there are two sides to every story.  People forget this.  If my side is never heard, so be it.  No one is perfect and in all disagreements both parties make mistakes.  To quote someone who recently wrote me:   

"Do not be discouraged, just learn from your mistake and others... continue to have a forgiving heart and others will show you the same.  God is about unconditional love and forgiveness."

This is very true.  I can only pray that he molds my heart to have this forgiving heart and freely love and forgive unconditionally.


Battles can not be won with words.  Only in time will people see through action and deed who you really are.  It will be then that they can see your heart and see you for who God has created you to be.  We are forever evolving and changing.  We have to be open to learn from our hardships, take from them a lesson and change for the greater good.  If we do not learn we will be tested time and again.


I have a mighty job ahead of me.  The flaming arrows will come.  It is what I do with them that is the test.  Right now I choose to stand.  Stand firm in knowing that God sees the truth in all.  He is my rock and my fortress.  When any believer, even the newest and weakest, stands in the strength of Christ, puts on the whole armor of God, and, in dependence upon the presence of God in prayer, stands; the devil is always defeated.

Pray for our team members, or family and our friends as we all experience spiritual warfare each day.
Pray for us all to stand, as we know it is then that the devil is defeated!


XOXO
Janean

43 days...

Well - here we are.  43 days until Trenton and I leave for RWANDA.  Today is the deadline to have the $8000 required for us to go, turned in.  

Yesterday I was blown away by the donations that came in.  People have touched me so deeply by helping us with our trip.  It is not about the amount of money donated - it is the fact that people actually care, and take the time to show it. 


It the hustle and bustle of our world today it is so easy to just let things slide by.  I know - I am guilty of this as well.  I always have good intentions but sometimes time gets away from me and I miss a deadline to help someone or attend something that I had wanted to.

Today, for example my husband accidentally messed up our clock.  He set the alarm WAY too early (in my humble opinion) and when the alarm went off at what was suppose to be 6:00 am - it was really 5:00 am.   I heard the radio announcer say "It's 5:02 am" and I said "WHY?!! are we waking up at this hour when Trenton's appointment is not until 8:00 am??"  Then in an effort to fix the clock - my husband grumbled and fumbled for an eternity, making it impossible to slip back into dreamland.

I tossed and turned and never got the extra 2 hours of much needed sleep.  I got up and over breakfast my youngest sneezes right into his cereal bowl showering he and his brother in milk!  After cleaning up that mess, we set off for school and as I am looking for a parking spot a small over exuberant child darts in front of my van.  

I swerve to avoid killing him {just what I did not need today} and clip the plastic bumper of a parked car sending the plastic piece flying.  I quickly find a spot and shuffle the kids out to go give the person my info.  Upon reaching where they were parked - I find them gone and the plastic piece laying in the road.  

Now what?  

Frustrated I head for home listening to a lecture from my 5 year old on how I should be more careful when driving.


So, you see - I know times are tough and people are busy.  That is why each and every dollar that has come in has meant so much!  I am so proud to announce that we have officially met our goal!!  God once again provided.  He touched just the right people and the money all came in!

I am now just working on collecting/earning $317 for our travel immunizations and then some money to purchase items we need to take with us.  I would also like to take some spending money for use in the country.  

BUT - this is small compared to the $8000 that we have worked hard to raise since last year!!  I feel so proud and a great sense of accomplishment!  I feel like each person who helped is going along with us in spirit!


God has more than met us half way lately.  I am always so amazed when He provides for our needs.  It is like Christmas.  I pray and He answers.   All in His time...that is the part we all have to grow accustom to.  Nothing happens when we want it to!  


Patience and Perseverance.  Two things I have grown to know well.

I love this quote:  "Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did."

So, today is a happy day.  We have met our trip requirement.  I have lost another pound.  I have food in my fridge.  I have patience and I have persevered.  I have hope and I have love in my heart!


Who could ask for more?
Thanks for being a part of my journey!
XOXO
Janean

Forgiveness

Last night in our Kids Small Group we taught a lesson on FORGIVENESS.  It was really great to see these innocent kids and their take on being forgiven and forgiving others.

We need to stop and ask ourselves - how forgiving are we?  

Do you harbor resentment or hold grudges against others?  Do you have broken relationships that need repair?

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.  Is it easier to be forgiven than to forgive - you bet!

It's funny how we long to be forgiven but find it hard to forgive others.  Some people EXPECT forgiveness yet can not or will not forgive others.

Forgiveness plays a huge part in my sons recovery.  He has to forgive himself and allow us also to forgive him.  As his mother I can't help but to pardon him, as Jesus pardons me.  But we do not always feel this way with friends or loved ones.

I found the following on forgiveness:

In the New Testament, Jesus speaks of the importance of Christians forgiving or showing mercy towards others. The Parable of the Prodigal Son and the Parable of the unforgiving servant are perhaps the best known instances of such teaching and practice of forgiveness.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus repeatedly spoke of forgiveness, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” Matthew 5:7 (NIV) “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. 

First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV) “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25 (NIV) 

“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.” Luke 6:27-29 (NIV) “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:36 (NIV) “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:37 (NIV)
 
Elsewhere, it is said, "Then Peter came and said to Him, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.'" Matthew 18:21-22 (NAS)

Jesus asked for God's forgiveness of those who crucified him. "And Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.'" Luke 23: 34 (ESV)

The Christian statement on forgiveness is best demonstrated in the Gospel message itself, namely that the Godhead chose to forgive mankind not for their own merit, but by unmerited favor. Unlike other religions, a Christian's forgiveness is given because of Christ's sacrifice, and can not be obtained by any works done by the Believer.  


Out of the basis of this forgiveness, believers are motivated to forgive all debts because of their debt Christ forgave at His own expense.

So, let me ask you...who do you need to forgive?  Or, who do you need to ask for forgiveness from?


Once you allow yourself to do so it is then, and only then...that you will be set free.

Free your heart...and the rest will follow.  No one is perfect.  Especially me. 

{Taylor I hope you can forgive me for anything I have done to hurt you along this journey}


XOXO
Janean

Unburden your heart

Oh!, to be able to live running through life with reckless abandon!

Being a kid again sounds pretty enticing right now.  Ask me, "How burdened is your heart?"  and I will have to tell you it's on overload.

I am guilty.  I am carrying burdens that are not mine to bear.  But as a mom, how can you not?


We had a home visit with Taylor yesterday and it was so stressful.  The severity of his mental illnesses were very clear.  He spent more time in turmoil and being upset, overly obsessed and attempting to control situations than he did smiling or enjoying "moments".  This weighs heavily on my heart.  I carry this burden.  He is MY child.  


I have to stop and think, that I am God's child.  If I feel this burdened over one of my own - how must he feel?  He tells me to come back to Him when I feel there is nowhere to run.  I have to do this.  I have to let Him carry my burdened heart.  I beg Him to fix my child.  Release him from the pain - be his refuge, his reason, his strength.  I need Taylor to find God.  


Taylor is in my heart.  He is ingrained, intertwined and connected to my inner being.  Yet, I can not fix him.  All I can do is watch when his world falls down around his feet.  I see his pain.  I hear his fear.  
I need to lay these burdens down before the one most high.  Yet this is so hard.


If you have never been in my place, please take a moment to thank the Lord for your healthy child.  


Speaking of health and children...Trenton had a visit to the ER last week and we found that he has a medical condition that could be serious, or nothing at all.  We are in the process of finding a specialist to help in this determination.  Another burden for my heart -- that I will lay at God's feet.


Stace hurt his back and has not had enough work to make ends meet.  We are down to the last leaves from the money tree.  No way to get food for the kids, and pay rent.  We were forced to go and apply for help today.  Not a fun burden to bear - so I will give this up too.  

I feel sorry for God.  How many burdens does he get laid at his feet a day?  Oh, I forgot -- HE can handle it.  He is almighty.  I smile when I think about how He can turn gray skies blue, clear storm clouds and place a bright shiny sun in their place.


How great is our God?  It would be amazing to be Him for a day!


Some days I feel so helpless.  Yet I am hopeful.  I have to be.  I have no other choice.


I am praying that you too, can unburden your heart along with me and lay all your heavy burdens at God's feet.  Today is today -- tomorrow is new.  Each new day brings Grace.


As Taylor would say, "Take it one day at a time, mom.  That is all you can do".


XOXO
Janean

Icing on the cake...

What puts the icing on YOUR cake?  


I thought of this yesterday as I was locked in the bathroom 
{involuntarily locked in... I will add}.

I went in with only 30 minutes to spare before I went to pick up my 3rd son from school.  I throw my towel up over the shower glass and shut the door - as always.  

I took my shower and when I went to make my hasty exit found that the door was, well...broken.  It would not open.  I pulled and I yanked.  I juggled and I banged.  I then started yelling for my youngest son.  "Trevan!  Trevvvvvan!"  I shouted and banged on the door.  I then pounded on the walls.  NOTHING.


I then remembered that I had turned on the stereo and that he was in my bedroom watching T.V. - probably at a higher than normal volume to drown out my music coming from the stereo.  


GREAT!  Just Great.  My son would come out of school and sit on a brick wall waiting for me and I would be here...stuck in the steamy, teeny-tiny apartment bathroom.  I continued to bang and pound and shout.  


So many thoughts raced through my mind.  How long would it be before Trevan came looking for me?  When was my husband due home?  I could be locked in here for hours!  I could die of boredom!  I will be found naked in a towel too tiny to cover me, how traumatic for my loved ones!

I usually bring the phone into the bathroom when I take a shower "just in case someone calls..." 
OH, NO!  Not today!  A break in routine.  Hummm - okay God.  What do you want to talk to me about?  You have my full attention.  You really don't have to LOCK me in the bathroom to get my attention, I promise!


So, I sat.  I sat perfectly still and silent.  I started thinking, and thinking.  

I keep telling my oldest son, Taylor "God does not waste a hurt..."  

I then reflected on an incident that he just had with a counselor making fun of his weight.  He tried to go to the counselor to ask that he stop and the guy dismissed him and teased him further.  His anger bubbled over and he was threatened with release from the program.  He tried to do the right thing - and did not get the result he desired.  

I then called the Program Director who said because of this incident - policy would change.  A staff meeting was called and the counselor was dealt with -- THE ICING ON THE CAKE.  


So, as I thought of these things and continued to bang and knock and yell for Trevan I tried to find the icing on the cake.  

Hummm...nothing in here.  I paced back and forth and as I decided to "tidy up" I fluffed the bath mat only to find a missing earring!  Ah... THE ICING ON THE CAKE!


After what seemed like forever Trevan came to the door and tried to rescue me.  He could not get it open either!  GREAT...panic set in.  I quickly calmed down and talked my son through on how to get a butter knife and try to force the lock open.


Finally after my 25 minutes of confinement I was freed.  He wiggled and jiggled and finally forced it open.  ICING ON THE CAKE!

With only 5 minutes to dress and get to the school we made a mad dash.


As I pulled up to the school I found a front row parking spot - more ICING!

I saw my son sitting on the little brick wall waiting with his teacher.  I ran to them and apologized telling the teacher of my confinement.  She then asked if I had spoken to the Principal.  I had not.  She then told me that Turner had been told NOT to throw a rock and he did anyway.  He was teary eyed and asked if I was mad.  We made our way home and discussed the incident.


Upon returning home, I retrieved the message left by the Principal.  She was chuckling as she told me that Turner age 6 years old {who has aspergers} Got a citation and suspension from playground play for the next 3 days for throwing a rock (aimed at no one). When sent to the Principal's Office he told her - "Mrs. Boone told me not to throw the ROCK. You see, I did not throw a ROCK it was just a "pebble"...had she said "do not throw the pebble" I would not have thrown it!" 

THE ICING ON MY CAKE!  I so love this bright little boy I have been blessed with!  Gotta love a kid with a high IQ!   

I vow to go through my life trying to find the icing instead of grumbling over the crumbs.  Thanks God, for teaching me a lesson.


HOPE YOU CAN FIND THE ICING ON YOUR CAKE TODAY!
XoXo
Janean 

Like the grain of sand that lodges in an oyster shell and becomes a lovely pearl, the little irritations of life can bring the beauty of God's Splendor to your inner self...

layer by layer.

All In His Time...

Trevan Noah - 5 {and a half years} old

Well, here I am.  Just 2 weeks away from my Fund raising Deadline for RWANDA.  The people who I thought would support me, have surprisingly not been my biggest fans!  Others have blessed me beyond measure!  God's timing - perfect.

I still have a little over $2400 to go and also need money for immunizations.  I will keep my faith.  This is God's Project - therefor he will provide all my needs.

I have been met with some opposition and a lot of curiosity as to the "why" we are going.  I thought this would be an appropriate time to "share" with all of you as to the "why" - here is my letter...

“Life isn’t how many years you live, but what you do with the life you are given.”

Dearest Friends and Family.

I know how busy our lives are and that time is precious, so I will try to keep this brief, yet; I have so much to share with you!

It is my prayer that when you receive this letter you are afforded the opportunity to pause, take a moment and really read it.

Some of you receiving this letter have known me since I was a child. Others, have shared special moments in my life, moments that have helped shape who I have become.
Yet, some of you I have never met, yet our paths have crossed by divine appointment. I am learning that God puts everyone in your life for a purpose. Nothing He does is by accident.

Trenton and I are traveling to Rwanda, Africa in July on a Mission Trip. It is not by chance that we are going, and the Lord already knows the work that will be done for His glory.

You see a few short years ago I thought of myself as just an ordinary wife and mother to 4 boys. I had known the Lord my whole life. I had tried to follow a good path, strayed away and then come back again. I had not done anything that I had thought was "special". I had no real "ah-ha" moments in my Christian walk. I told the women in my small group that I "had NO testimony." I was bothered by this as I took my first mission trip to the Indian Reservations in South Dakota. I had nothing to really "share" with these people. I was just me - no one special - someone without a testimony. Oh, how I wished I had a testimony!

I now know that you need to be very careful what you wish for.

A short time later the Lord gave me a testimony.

I lost a business that I had worked very hard to build and a friend in that process. It was painful and stretched me beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I learned humility, grace, understanding and forgiveness - some of which have taken me to this day to refine. During this painful time my son, Taylor was involved in a skateboarding accident that left him with a brain injury. While dealing with the turmoil of losing the business and my livelihood I was in the throes of taking care of a mentally impaired son that already struggled with drug addiction. Things went from bad to worse as I found myself slipping into a depression. I wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. The days and months stretched on with nothing positive to offer. Taylor's addiction and violent outbursts grew severe.

Then two days before my 20th wedding anniversary I received the phone call that catapulted our lives into a downward spiral that was unthinkable. My husband had been involved in a roll over collision and nearly lost his arm. After several surgeries, he was unable to work. Not only was I forced to "come out of myself" to care for him, but I had to care for Taylor and my other three boys. I had no time to wallow in self-pity, no time to be depressed. The only thing I could cling to was HOPE. I could feel myself slipping away as I wondered who I really was. "Who am I becoming?" and "Why God?" were questions that I seeked answers for.  Our situation perplexed me.

With my husband unable to work we found ourselves being evicted from our home. Nearly everything we owned had to be sold, given away or placed in storage. Material possessions quickly lost their "value" as we fought to just hang on to the promise that tomorrow could bring. We had no idea where we would live. I moved through life on "auto-pilot" taking care of details with energy that could have only come from above. I never dreamed that I would become "homeless".  I thought of "homeless" people as helpless. 
Is this what we had become?

God provided. Strangers came together and put us up in a beautiful hotel that became our home for months. As we lived in 400 square foot of space not knowing at times where Taylor was because he had become addicted to drugs and alcohol we continued to HOPE and pray. I knew that the Lord had a plan. It was so hard to know what that plan was and to wait on His timing, but we had no other choice. We were blessed immeasurably by countless people who offered prayers, financial support and gifts. God's presence was very present in our day-to-day lives.

Through our trials we were blessed.

A year ago this month we were able to move into a small apartment in Irvine, CA. We moved here so that Turner could receive Special Education for his Autism Spectrum Disorder and diagnosis of Aspbergers. Over the past year while remaining hopeful and faithful that the Lord had a plan, Stace lost the job that he got as we moved from the Hotel. Taylor battled with drug addiction, mental illness, depression and alcoholism. His behavior grew worse each week and at times I did not know how we would go on. He was hospitalized 8 times within a year - trying to take his life or overdosing on drugs or alcohol. He would have such violent outbursts that the police had to be called countless times. Our family was traumatized time and again by his violence.

We felt like we were walking on egg shells and prisoner in our own home. We had to result to putting him in a homeless shelter, only to have him return a few weeks later after leaving and being attacked on the streets. He was arrested 3 times and help was not in sight.

On my birthday, the 16th of April I experienced a miracle.

We had one door then another slammed in our faces in an effort to get Taylor help. We had been scammed out of $2500 by a con artist posing to run a Christian REHAB facility. We were told after he was sentenced by the courts to REHAB that there was a 12 week waiting list which we placed him on. Twelve long weeks went by and as he was on formal probation he still abused drugs and alcohol without result . I received a phone call on the 15th telling me that he was being released from jail and had no where they could place him. He did not qualify for a homeless shelter due to his violence. He did not qualify for REHAB because of his mental illness. He was hopeless.

I ripped my heart out before God and told him this was HIS, not mine - as I was done. I could not handle this any longer. I had spent 4 hours on the phone as each person told me that they could offer nothing. I was told the court had no record of him being sentenced to REHAB. I was told by his social worker she had hit a brick wall and had nothing to offer. The Phoenix House told me that they do not accept Medi-Cal and that they did not even have him on the waiting list. I lost myself that day.  I gave up on trying to control my destiny and I totally surrendered to God.

Crying and spent I laid crumpled on the floor a total mess with my 5 year old helplessly looking on.

I then received a phone call minutes later that Taylor could be placed in the PHOENIX HOUSE REHAB the next morning.

It was nothing short of a full-fledged miracle.

My hope, my faithfulness and my perseverance - had all paid off. He had heard my cries and He answered, He did not leave me, nor forsake me.

You see my friend, THIS is why Trenton and I are going to RWANDA .

I now have a testimony. I am indebted to God.

I have to tell those who have lost their will and feel helpless, that their situation is not HOPELESS.

Total surrender is nothing that can be taught - it is a state of mind. Being brought to your knees before the one who is most high and letting go - is indescribable. I am far from perfect and make mistakes each day. What gets me through is knowing that I have hope and grace and a new fresh start each time the sun rises. Our God is a loving and forgiving God. He made us for a purpose. He made us to love Him.

Our lives are so far from perfect and at times I feel broken. God heals my broken heart, He holds it in the palm of His hand, he gives me the strength to go on. Trenton and I needed $8000 to travel to Rwanda. We have raised all but $2600. Our deadline is MAY 26th to have our additional funds!

You may have already donated to our trip financially and for that I am so grateful.

What I am asking is for you to pray and ask God how He wants you to help us.
We want you to be a part of this incredible experience whether it be through financial support or prayer support.

Below I have outlined some of our needs. I ask that you pray and let the Lord lead you. This is much bigger than you, much bigger than me.

God has brought us together to do great things for the greater glory of His kingdom. I feel honored to have you in our lives and would be so touched if you decided to embark on this journey with us!

God already knows what will happen and how this trip will touch the lives of so many. I hope that by sharing with you, some of what we have lived through, your life will be touched in a positive way.

It is my prayer that you too learn how to be satisfied with what you once thought could bring no satisfaction. I pray that you can find happiness in things that were once taken for granted. I pray that you find peace in solitude that at one time you may have thought to be loneliness. I pray you can find it in your heart to love the unlovable and find hope in the hopelessness. I pray that you too, will find the deep peace in living simply so that others can simply live. These are my prayers for you.

It is my hope that spending this time with my son, Trenton; that we can form a bond and a foundation that can not be broken. Please pray for blessings on this wish.

If you feel led to support us financially - here are our needs:

You can make a tax-deductible donation by sending a check made out to:
SADDLEBACK CHURCH with only the TRIP ID in the memo - Trip #6547
 

Please mail it to me:
Janean Lindner
51 Southbrook
Irvine, CA  92604

Trenton and I still need around $600 for Travel Immunizations. 

We also need financial support for necessities and expenses.
If you wish to support us personally - you can send a check made out to:
Janean Lindner

Many thanks to however you choose to bless us on our Mission!!
If you feel led to support us in Prayer - here are some requests:
Pray that we raise all necessary funds to go on the trip.
Pray for our family's finances.
Pray for our health, and Janean's continued weight loss.
(I am down 10 pounds with 10 to go before our trip)
Pray for our family as we prepare to leave - all the logistics of Stace caring for the little guys while we are gone.
Pray for Taylor's success in REHAB.
Pray for our team as we will face attacks from the enemy.
Pray for God's will in all of our lives.

Blessings -
Janean and Trenton Lindner

Do you love without limits?

Do you know how to LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS? 

At first response you may say "Of Course!"  But do you really?

Jesus loves us unconditionally.  Do we love the people in our lives this way?  I have really been giving this a lot of thought.  Ask yourself this question - "Do I love others without limits?" 
You can get pretty deep on this if you take time to ponder HOW you love the people in your life.

Take your children.  One by one.  Think of how much you love them. 
The amount of love I have for my kids is immeasurable.  But, do I put limits on my love? 

Take your friends.  One by one.  Do you place limits on how much you love them?  Do they on you?

I know that I am guilty of protecting my heart.  I have been hurt.  I don't like to be hurt.  I hold back.  This is putting limits on my love.
I can give more to a stranger than I can to say, my husband.  I can give more to my kids than to a stranger.  LIMITS.

Interesting to think about, isn't it?

I think you can see this "Love Limiting" a bit more in our relationships with friends.  
I have friends that LOVE me hands down without limits.
I have others that I know put limits on how much they love me, as demonstrated in their word and actions.

I then have to ask myself "Why?"

Have they been hurt?  Are they holding back?  Have I not demonstrated that I can be the friend that they need me to be?
What can I do to allow them to "love me without limits"?

Going through life pointing fingers at others is no way to grow.  If you point a finger at someone - there are three pointing back at you.

As I prepare to go on Mission to RWANDA I have done a lot of "heart checking".  I know that the Lord uses situations in our lives, conflict especially, to grow us.

We have had our share of conflict with our son Taylor.  In his therapy he is learning who he is and why he has masked his pain with drugs and alcohol.  Self discovery is hard.

I have spent a lot of time in prayer.  I have asked God to show me in my hurts and pain the "WHAT".  What can I do, what can I learn and what can I take away from this pain to better myself.
God does not waste a hurt.  He uses our trials to refine us, but this only works if we are open to see what he wants us to.

I am going to work on my ability to LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS.  Not an easy task, but one that I think I can succeed at.  How about you?

XOXO
Janean

Unraveling...

Satan thinks he is good.  He can find that one thread that is tiny, fragile and pick at it.  He picks and picks until he has it in his ugly grasp.  He then starts to painfully pull that tiny string and slowly attempt to unravel the threads of our lives that have been knit together for the Glory of God's Kingdom.  

He can't stand to see something pure.  He wants NO Glory for God.  He wants to distract us from going down the path that leads us to righteousness.  He can unravel the fragile, delicate plans one thread at a time.  He is not mighty like our God.  He has to stoop to the depths of deception and evil.  


He will not will his battle with me.  He can unravel my tiny threads.  He can attack me.  He can attack my sons.  He can attack my business.  He can attack my friendships.  He can pull at me, one tiny thread at a time.  I feel like things are unraveling quickly.  I can panic.  I can run and hide.  I can give in, I can give up.  He forgets that I have a choice.  I have free will.  


My free will can not allow him to separate me from my God and unravel all of me. I am a creation that God has knit together.  He can not bind me with his chains.  I will lift my voice and cry out to the Heavens.  God will hear my cries and will not leave me in the depths of confusion.  Only He can erase these doubts.  I will lay my burdens down at His mighty feet.  Nothing is too big for MY God.  


So go ahead Satan, unravel my sweater.  I will let God's Glory resound!  I have warriors who will pray with me, their knees will bow.  Together we will bind you, Satan.  You pull my threads, unravel my sleeves.  I may have a vest when you are finished, but I will wear my vest proudly.  I will go forth boldly.  You can attempt to unravel me, but you will not ruin me.  

XOXO
Janean

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (GOD’S WORD Translation)

³Of course we are human, but we don’t fight like humans. ⁴The weapons we use in our fight are not made by humans. Rather, they are powerful weapons from God. With them we destroy people’s defenses, that is, their arguments ⁵and all their intellectual arrogance that oppose the knowledge of God. We take every thought captive so that it is obedient to Christ.

Angels on Earth?

Today marks the 14th day that Taylor has been in the Phoenix House. 

Our lives now, at times border on boring. I can not describe the strange peace that has fallen on our home like a blanket of fresh, unspoiled snow. The beauty of knowing that our son is safe and warm at night is indescribable. I have a sense of calm when I lay my head on my pillow at night. I feel like I have been given a new life. We have all been given a new life. A refuge. We have been blessed. Our bruised and broken hearts have been mended. 

It is not that we do not miss Taylor, we do. We miss HIM, the Taylor that we once knew, but not the person he had become. We have not seen the real Taylor in a long time. The Taylor that is not impaired, high or intoxicated. The happy, content Taylor. That boy has been gone a long time. The impact of his addiction is clear in his younger brothers. One misses him, one does not mention him, one is inquisitive yet at peace that he is away. 

Yet, he is very loved. He always has been and always will be. 

Today I wanted to call the man who was instrumental in "giving Taylor a chance". The man who after many phone calls and doors slammed shut - called me with the words that changed my life. The man who told me that he had arranged for Taylor to get into the Phoenix House. I went back to listen the voice mail with his name and number on it and then called. 

I asked for him and was told - "There is no one here by that name." So, I asked "What number can I reach him at?" I was put on hold only to be told that no one in the office had ever heard of him. 

Shocked - I listened to the voice mail again and re-dialed. I asked for a supervisor. After being placed on hold a woman came on. I told her that on Thursday, April 15th at 2:32 pm I got a message from Mark Sailors at this number. I told her that he left me a message and that he was the one who arranged for my son to get into the Phoenix House. She told me that they did not have an employee by that name or any name close to that. She was matter of fact - to the point and was borderline annoyed with my instance. She curtly told me to have a nice day and ended the call. 

I immediately went to my laptop - I Googled his name looking for an answer, an explanation. Nothing. 

"LET IT BE" rung in my head. " JUST LET IT BE." 

Weird. Totally weird. Unexplainable. Tiny hairs on my neck and arms stood at attention sending a cold chill down my spine. 

Irritated, yet intrigued I rushed about getting ready to go meet my friend Karen for lunch. I will ask Karen what she thinks. She will have an answer. Satisfied I drove to meet her with Trevan in tow. We chatted and caught up with each other over a nice meal. 

As our time together was drawing to an end - I asked her 
"What do you know about Angels?" setting the tone prefacing the question with "Don't think I am crazy or anything, but..." 
She said - "Oh, I think they exist for sure!" Then I told her what had happened. 

She shuttered and rubbed her arms - "Whoo - I just got the chills!" she responded. "Yeah - weird; huh?" I told her I had the same reaction. We both agreed - that it was God's hand. 

We smiled at each other then we just "LET IT BE." 

I have shared this with 2 others this afternoon - and both people also, got the chills. 

Amazing. God, He is a mighty AMAZING God. I know this, yet - I am surprised each time he reveals Himself to me. Why is that? I know he is almighty and powerful. 

He tells us to expect miracles. I just am so human. Forgive me Father, for not having more faith and trust in YOUR word. 

I feel chosen. Taylor was chosen. It is not an accident. Years of sorrow. 

God chose to bring us through the storm to taste this incredibly flavored rainbow in the form of a miracle. He knew that before Taylor was born he would enter into a rehab center after years of addiction on MY 43rd Birthday. It was already written in Taylor's Life Book. 

I know that man who called me - was an Angel. An Angel that God sent to deliver that message. The message that WE would be delivered. 

For this I will be eternally grateful.  

XOXO  
Janean 

Angels are essentially “ministering spirits,” (Hebrews 1:14) and do not have physical bodies like humans. Jesus declared that “a spirit hath not flesh and bones, as ye see me have” (Luke 24:37-39). The Bible does, however, make it clear that angels can only be in one place at a time. They must have some localized presence. Angels can take on the appearance of men when the occasion demands. How else could some “entertain angels unaware” (Hebrews 13:2)?

Expecting Miracles

I must admit it has taken me nearly 5 days to digest what has happened.


You see, I know that I have experienced a miracle.


On Thursday April 15th shortly after I hit "post" on the entry below, I got another phone call.  It was one in a series of calls that transpired over the next few hours.


I had been told that Taylor was being released from jail and that his social worker could not place him ANYWHERE.  He did not meet criteria for any of the homeless shelters, or programs that were offered for people like him.  We were given NO options other than to let the jail turn him into the streets, penniless, unable to find shelter, without food and medicines.  


HOW could I do that to my own son?  I knew having him back in our home was not an option.  I knew in my heart of hearts that I would be having an emotional breakdown on my birthday.  Instead of going the next day for a much needed rest at my mom and dad's, I would be going to a mental hospital.


I ripped my heart out bleeding before God.  I told Him He was going to have to "fix" this situation.  I do not advocate "telling God what to do" - but I had reached a point of brokenness like I had never felt before.


Years of pent up frustration and anger spilled out.  I cried, I shook, I prayed.  Sadly, little Trevan looked on.  He wanted to fix his mommy.  He wanted to help me.  I held him and I cried in between one dead end phone call then another.


I was told by the Public Defender's Office that Taylor was not even sentenced to REHAB - which he was.  I was told by the Phoenix House that he was not and never was on their waiting list.  I was told by his social worker that she had no options to offer me.  DEAD ENDS.  No help - no hope?


I dug deep.  I had to cling to the last shred of HOPE that I had.  I knew that the Lord will never leave nor forsake me.  So, I stopped.  I bossed God around.  I told Him - "Here you go God - FIX this, because I can't.  I need a MIRACLE and only YOU can do that."


I don't know what I expected.  I did not actually expect a MIRACLE - those just don't happen everyday.  


So, when I got a phone call a few minutes later from a man telling me that if we could bring Taylor to the Phoenix House when he was released from jail with 30 days of meds and they would take him, I nearly dropped the phone.


I felt a numbness come over me and I went into autopilot.  I made one call then another - then another.  Trying to process all the information and not get my hopes up.  I knew somewhere, someone - had made an error.  I knew this was too good to be true.


I called his doctor to find she left for the day.  No problem.  God took care of it.  A nurse called her on her cell and got the prescriptions for 30 days of medication.


Taylor's Medi-Cal had been canceled.  I knew his prescriptions would not be covered.  No problem.  God took care of that.  We went to the pharmacy and found his insurance was still in effect.


We got the call at 12:30 in the morning to go pick him up from jail.  It took 3 hours to get him home and we only had a couple hours of sleep before taking him to the Phoenix House.


Stace got him there only to find the admissions coordinator did not show up.  They waited one hour, then another - then another.  I was sitting on pins and needles knowing that the other shoe was about to drop.  Here was the hammer.  He would not get in - they would send him home.  No problem.  God took care of it.  She finally arrived and he was accepted.  


He was offered 3 months or 6 months and he took the 6 month program!  


A MIRACLE - on my Birthday - I received a true MIRACLE.  My son got into REHAB for SIX MONTHS!


He has been there for 5 days today.  He is doing well.  He will not see anyone for 30 days.  We will go to an orientation on May 5th then attend family meetings each Thursday night after that.


He can earn phone calls and day passes.


I have prayed for a Miracle for my son - I just fell short - as I did not EXPECT God to hear me and answer my cries.


I encourage you to not only pray for but to expect and prepare for miracles to happen in your life.  It will change you forever. 


God has big plans for my son - I know that.  I am just patiently waiting to see what he unfolds in His time.


Whatever it is - I know it will be AWESOME!
XoXo
Janean

I want to turn back the hands of time...

Taylor age 5 circa 1996 holding Trenton age 4 months...I want to go back to these days!

My chest feels like I have an elephant sitting on it.  My heart is racing.  I can hear my pulse pounding inside my head.  Panic ... I want to bolt for the door and run away.

I was making an attempt - a real honest to goodness, wholehearted attempt to have a "good day".  

I was on my way to "walk" to Turner's school and let Trevan ride his scooter. 
I was going to take the kids to the lake afterward and feed the ducks.  All things were right and good in my world as I know it - until I got the phone call telling me that Taylor was being released TOMORROW.

"Are you kidding me?" I shrieked into the phone.  "How is it possible when he was sentenced to 10 days in jail on the 13th?"  That would be April 23rd - not April 16th!!!  It seems that there is a new law to help save the State of California money.  He got "credit" for the night he went in, and the day he went to court.  SO that takes it to 8 days from the 12th.  Then for each day he is there and has "good behavior" he gets a day knocked off.  So, he has been there 4 days so he gets 4 days knocked off -- Happy Birthday to ME! 

Instead of a reprieve and a restful, peaceful Birthday - I get to deal with Taylor.  Lovely.  

Okay God - what now?

I do not mean to appear insensitive and selfish here - but I am baked, fried and done!!

I can't deal with anymore lies, drug use, drunkenness, angry outbursts, destruction of property, being made a spectacle of in our apartment complex - and on and on.

Why can we not have just a little bit of PEACE from this hell we are living in?  What is wrong with our system - we have nothing in place to help families like ours and people like Taylor.

They say that God never gives you more than you can handle - so I will have to rest in that.  I feel like I can't take it - but know I will - I have no other choice than to dig deep.

Taylor will not and can not understand.  He will expect to be welcomed home with open arms.  He will have his apologies ready for us and for Kamille.  He has had time to come up with the words to say--
the ones he thinks we need to hear.  Sadly they will fall on deaf ears.  We can not hear the excuses any longer.  My head and heart is full - full of the lies and the excuses - they spill out now as fast as he can say them.

I lost my cell phone yesterday.  Turner passed out in Mimi's Cafe.  I thought that that was enough activity for one day, but I was mistaken.
Today's frustrations top those tenfold.

If I were a drinker - I'd be driven to drink.  Instead I cheated.  (well sorta)  I sat down just now and instead of eating a late lunch - I ate a 140 calorie Skinny Cow Mint Chip Ice Cream Sandwich.  It had my allotted carb count for the whole day - but hey - the day is almost over!  

A girl just sometimes has to have a lil chocolate and ice cream to set her world right...

I'll keep you posted.
XOXO
Janean

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way?
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day?

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to RID my endless fears !
You've been so faithful for all my years !
With the one breath You make me new !
Your grace covers all I do !

No words to describe...

Friday we were on the train pictured above as it crashed into a car killing a man.  It is thought that the man drove onto the tracks on purpose.  It was an emotional and stressful day - thinking that perhaps someone could have been in so much pain that they would want to end it all.


I had a strange feeling that something was about to smash into me just like the train smacked into the car.  Now I know.


Taylor.  My first born who I prayed so long and hard for.


I sit here with tears streaming down my face as fast as the rain falls from the sky.  
I can't help but think that perhaps God is weeping too.

Tonight I called the police on my son.

Enough is enough.  I can not sit by and watch him destroy the life that he has or the lives that we struggle to live.  He continues to make one bad choice then another.  He says we do not understand.  He too, feels like he does not want to be here any longer.  He is slowly destroying himself.

You would think that each time you watch your child being taken away by officers or medical professionals it would get easier.  Not so.  I sit here with pain, grief and the deepest sadness, every fiber of my being hurts.

I can not express how it feels to want to protect your child who now towers over you and outweighs you by more than 50 pounds.  A child no longer.  An adult in the eyes of the law.

I damn addiction to hell.  I pray that the strongholds that have imprisoned my son will be broken.  Drugs and alcohol hold nothing but destruction and ultimately death for my once bright and cheery boy. 
 
Addiction is bold and brazen.  It robs me of a life that I deserve to have.  It puts fear into my household.  It terrifies my young children.  It angers my teenage son as he watches it destroy his older brother.

I am angry.  I am devastated.  I am hurt.  I am weeping, yet I have hope.  I have hope that God who is so much bigger than addiction - has a mighty plan for my child.
 
God loves him more than I ever could.  I have to remember this as I sit unable to sleep.  As I worry about what will happen to my son as he is taken to jail tonight. 

He did not go in peace.  He fought, screamed, kicked and resisted with all he had in him.  My gut tied its self in knots as we could hear his screams.  My legs went weak and my head pounded.  I could see purple as the blood pumped and my heart felt like it was beating a hundred times faster.  I felt like I was going to faint. I wanted to just disappear.  I wanted to run and hide.  People came out side to look, to gawk, their curiosity peaked.  Embarrassment, shame, anger all flooded through me at once.  Why is this happening - again?   
What will it take to make this end?

He will not remember his actions tomorrow. 
He will be sorry.  He will show remorse.  He will not understand why we did what we had to do.

We are trying to save him from himself, and save ourselves in the process from the evil ways of his addiction.

I cry out to Jesus...who knows my pain.  He knows my suffering.  He tonight will watch over Taylor, because I can not.

There is an eerie peace in our home tonight.  Knowing that my son is not out in the cold rain intoxicated, doing who knows what; but that he is in custody of law enforcement brings a strange peace.

Not that I am worry free, don't get me wrong.  I am still his mother.  No matter what age he is I will always worry about his care and safety.  I just am blessed to know that our Lord and Savior is doing just that  -
SAVING him.

Now Lord - give us peace tonight.  Let us rest. 

For tomorrow is yet, another day...
with a whole new set of challenges.

Amen.

xoxo
Janean

Looking Up... It is my only option.

I am just numb right now.  I just learned after waiting what has seemed like an eternity - that Taylor is not even on the waiting list for The Phoenix House.  

He met with them on February 9th and we were told he was being placed at that time on a waiting list.  We have had him call every Tuesday and every Thursday to assure that his name is kept on the list and were never told any different.  

Today after we have left 8 messages over the past 2 weeks we finally got a call back.  I was transfered to someone who informed me that he was not on the list because they said he did not qualify.  Due to the fact he is on meds he did not meet their criteria and that he needs further assessment.  They would not place him on the list until the assessment was complete.  

News to us!  Now after 3 months of waiting - we are back to square one.  They also told me that they do not even have a 45 day treatment plan unless it is privately paid for at the cost of $30,000.  This is what the Public Defender pushed for not checking the facts - obviously.  Taylor is not employed and can not support himself - nor can we afford $30,000 for a short treatment plan when we know he needs 6 months or a year.

I do not know what to do but cast my cares on Him.  

Okay Lord, what now?  I am at a breaking point.  I can't take Taylor's behavior and attitude - we are held prisoner in our own home.  The world has to revolve around his every move.  His unpredictable behavior has everyone on high alert at all times.  It is causing us all such undue stress.  

But, what are our options?  He is mentally unstable, uses drugs and alcohol to numb his madness.  Even though he is on 3 years formal probation - that is seeming to be a joke.  He went to his first appointment after he stayed out all night drinking and using.  We just knew he would be tested and put in jail.  No.  He went only to find the probation officer was on vacation and he was told to return in 2 weeks!  We can't catch a break!

It is sad when you hope that your child be placed behind bars.  It is pitiful that you hope each time the phone rings that it is a rehab place calling with an opening for your child.  Yet, what do you do?  Unless one has lived in this madness you really can not wrap your mind around this situation.

I know it is easy looking in.  I have been there.  I have seen other people who I care about struggle.  I have been where you are.  It is easy to tell someone else what to do, how to live their life.  Yet, there are so many facets.  Tiny roots holding fast in the unstable soil. 

You see, we are not just dealing with an addict.  We are not just dealing with some one with a brian injury.  We are not just dealing with a person who is mentally ill.  We are not just dealing with a child. 
 
We are dealing with OUR child who suffered a brain injury that exacerbated mental illness and depression and fed into addiction.  If he were just an unruly teen that chooses to do drugs and use alcohol things could be dealt with differently.  If we did not have to worry about his mental stability and the fact he feels he has nothing to live for - things could be different.

This is my reality.  I love my son.  I also love 3 other sons.  I have the burden of making choices that are right for each of them.  All have different needs.  So do I.

Oh, Lord...please help us know what is right.  Help our son get the help he so needs.  Help us to hang on. 

I want to live, not become a shell of a mother to my children. 

XOXO
Janean

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep (we sing)

Come Lord Jesus come

Listening...

Why is it so hard to stop and "hear" the voice of God?  

I am always getting irritated with my husband and boys for not listening.  I can't imagine how God must feel when he tries in vein to speak to us and we are too busy to "hear His voice."

I know the frustration that I feel.  His frustration must be magnified times a million!

I had the honor of going to Sonoma State University to photograph some of the girls there.  We stayed with sweet Chloe, a girl I have known since she was about 6.  She has been a rock for me the past few years.  She is far younger than I and is the same age as my son, yet I consider her to be a friend.  She is studying to become a teacher.  She sees a need and extends herself to others.  She has many gifts that she may not yet see, but I know they are there.  Her love and compassion for others will make her a wonderful teacher. 

While there I got to meet some of her friends.  It was such a blessing to me to see these girls as young and fresh and imagine what they will become.  They are all so lovely and gifted in their unique way.  Just how God planned.  A Purpose for each.  

I was able to be still while there.  I walked the beautiful grounds of SSU and the Lord's work was all around.  From the magnificent redwood trees to the tiny baby ducks.  We saw trees laden with large sweet blooms.  Bees humming in the magnolia trees carefully orchestrated with the chirping of the birds was music to my ears.  We walked and walked, exploring here and there.  Before we knew it four hours had passed.  I was so blessed by that walk.  I felt God's presence and felt a peace like I had not felt in a long, long time.

I have been "busy".  So busy doing fund raising for our Rwanda Trip.  Busy with my Photography.  Busy taking care of my kids.  Busy attempting to run a household.  Busy with serving at Church.  Just plain BUSY.

I had not taken time out to just "be still and know that He is God".  

While photographing Chloe and Brittney in the flower field above I was surrounded by God's presence.  There was no denying that He was there with us.  I was so at peace that when we discovered Trevan had knocked Turner's pizza onto the car floor I did not react in anger.  I was able to pick up the pieces, hug my son and tell him that we would get another.  It felt amazing.  I was not wound so tight that my first reaction was to snap!  

Ahhhh, why had I not taken this "time out" sooner?

Over the few days that we were there I was able to stay up late, sleep in, have no demands placed on me (other than the "mommy" duties that come with a 5 and 6 year old).  I enjoyed each moment for what it was.  So refreshing.

We got to the airport to find that there was a delay.  I had 3 hours to entertain the boys.  Normally I would have been stressed by this.  Not so.  I thought of it as an adventure.  We walked and talked.  We went in and out of the stores exploring.  It was actually a lot of FUN!  I took them to the international terminal and showed them the HUGE airplanes that Trenton and I would fly to Africa on.  They asked questions and I answered them.  We learned a lot in those 3 hours.

I am taking time now.  Time to "be still".  Time to listen.  Time to Hear God's Voice.  He speaks to us all the time.  Through people, through experiences, through the beauty in the world all around.  We just have to be open to "hear" Him.

This Easter Sunday I encourage you to make the commitment to take some time for you.  Time to be still and let God speak to you.  

You'll be glad you did!

XOXO
Happy Easter!

Janean

I'm still here!

I have gotten several emails asking if I had dropped off the face of the earth!  No...at times I wish - but I am still here!


The past days have been spent going and doing.  We had our Road to Rwanda Chili Cook Off - which was exhausting and wonderful!


We had our Rwanda Training and Payment Deadline - which was a test.  The Lord challenged me to trust in Him to provide and He showed up!  Trenton and I met our goal and if my calculations are correct we even exceeded it!  We now are raising funds to meet our final deadline on May 26th of $3000, of which we need approx $2500!


We will be doing another Garage Sale this weekend and I am busy doing Portrait Sessions to benefit our Trip Fund.


Lil Trevan is sick with bronchitis and we spent the night in the Emergency Room with him.  


We are loving the beautiful weather -- sunny like summer days!  I have a ton of photos to edit and galleries to create and catch up on.  I am doing a very timely system back up then off to work I will go today!


Taylor is holding on day to day.  Things last week were a total mess and at times I just threw my hands in the air.  I was forced in the midst of planning our Chili Cook Off to just "let go and let God".  As hard as it is and was - I had no other choice in the matter.


Taylor is on the waiting list at the Phoenix House and will be spending 45 days in Rehab.  He has also been placed on 3 years formal probation.  We have prayed and prayed for many years that he would get the help he needs.  He is currently home with us and we take it minute to minute.


So, I am now off to hold Trevan and give him some of that love that only a mama can when you are sick.  I am excited to get out in the warm sunshine today!


I pray you have a wonderful day too!
XoXo
Janean

Pampered Chef Fundraiser for Trenton and I - Road to RWANDA!

Tomorrow night we will be having a Pampered Chef Fundraiser to benefit our Trip to RWANDA!

You can place an order to help us out by clicking the link below!

Pampered Chef Consultant Vicky Viajar

Only orders placed through Vicky will count toward our 
trip fund!
Email to let me know you ordered!
gigglemoon@mac.com

We appreciate your help!

XOXO
Janean

Cupcakes...

I will have to say - I have a weakness for cupcakes.  I get really excited by cupcakes.  They are just the perfect size to satisfy my sweet tooth.  Yummy moist cake and creamy sweet frosting - my favorite combination.  You can get all different flavors of cake.  They come beautifully decorated with doo-dads and sprinkles.  Some plain some fancy - I don't care - as long as they taste sinfully sweet.


Lately our fund raising efforts have been a lot like the long anticipated dessert.  We are working hard and despite rain and other challenges - the Lord continues to add doo dads and sprinkles to our "cupcake".  I have so blessed by people who have helped Trenton and I - whether it be with a small sprinkles or a whole cupcake. 


I don't get to eat cupcakes very often - perhaps that is why I enjoy them so much when I do.  Kinda like fund raising.  You write letter after letter, post on Facebook and then post again - only to get nothing.  Then when you do get a response the rewards are so great! I get so excited over $5!  It may not be huge but it is the thought behind it.  The mere fact that someone cares enough about MY dream - to help me achieve my goal.  


Trenton and I are taking a whole crew of loving and caring people with us when we go to Rwanda.  Without the love, support and prayers from so many - people we love and care for to people we have never even met - our trip would not be possible.


God has a purpose for all of us.  I was created to Love Him and share His love with others.  I am so excited to shine in Africa.  I again thank you - all of you - whether you can help us with our funds or by prayer - you mean so much to us.


Most of all - I owe my thanks to God for pouring his abundant blessings down on us.
XOXO
Janean