Murphy's Law

When life turns crappy - eat Cupcakes!

I use to scoff and laugh at people who talked about "Murphy's Law".  I thought it to be a joke.  Never laugh at such things...You would know - Murphy's Law has decided to take up residency on my doorstep.  

{Murphy's law is an adage or epigram that is typically stated as: "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong"...} 

I was thrilled a week ago to find out my husband would be going out of town to work.  I immediately had visions of grandeur.  I envisioned nights filled with me taking charge of the remote - controlling the T.V. watching whatever struck my fancy!  Evenings of going to bed when I wanted and running the house MY way.  I dreamed of sleeping all night long in a bed all to my lonesome.  I was going to cook foods that he does not like and maybe even eat dessert first!  I was going to leave dishes in the sink, let the water run when I brushed my teeth and hit the snooze button as much as I wanted!  It was going to be SO much fun!

Shame on me.  

He had just left when I pulled into the kids school to notice white smoke neatly curling out from under my hood.  Strangers drove by rolling their windows down to tell me "Your car is on fire!!"  I got the kids out and called my husband who was on his way to Big Bear.  I frantically told him he HAD to come figure out the problem as he could not possibly leave me without a car for a week!  I was now late to school and was to work in the classroom.  Fine start to the day.

He came and fixed the leaking power steering hose and then got a late start up the mountain {sorry dear}.  I proceed on with the days events which included a run to the store for dinner ingredients, coaching Trevan's Soccer Practice and going to the Post Office.  At 11:00pm I was elated at the thought of dropping into bed alone...dog tired.

I had just pulled the covers over me as I heard the most terrible coughing coming from the kids room.  I went in to find Trevan having the worst Asthma Attack he had ever had.  He started gasping and choking then throwing up.  He soon passed out.  I threw clothes on, called my mom and got him to the E.R.  I was there until 3:00am.  My son had a bad case of the Croup.  

Lovely.

I had to get to Court the next morning at 8:00am - to be there for Taylor's Sentencing for a Probation Violation. 

{ here was good old Murphy's Law again }

Exhausted, I came home to sleep a handful of hours then woke up to the dilemma of "what now?".  I had no one to care for Trevan as my mom had taken a temp job for this week.  I was forced to keep Trenton home to watch him as I went to Court.  {Murphy's Law}

I got to the Courthouse to find that the Public Defender had not gotten a call from the Rehab.  She told me to return at 1:30pm and the judge would see Taylor then.  I returned home to call the doctor to have Trevan seen only to be told that the doctor would not be in until Friday!  {Murphy's Law}  

I went back to the Courthouse yet again, only to sit through a heartbreaking 2 hours.  The Judge was not pleased that he had to return to Court after lunch and had decided to throw the book at Taylor.  He said he wanted to just give him jail time in lieu of allowing him to return to Rehab.  I was so emotionally and physically drained that I wanted to just run away!

So much for my "fun".  I spent the next days caring for not only one sick boy, but two.  Turner woke up that morning with the Croup too.  {Murphy's Law strikes again!}  Friday rolled in with no pomp nor circumstance.  Yes, it was indeed the 22nd Anniversary of my Marriage - or "Marital Confinement" as I have come to know it.  My husband was still on a mountain working.  No love letter, no flowers, no nice dinner by candlelight, nada...nothing.  Zip, zilch. 

In the days since, we have muddled along with our new school routine.  Boys back in school, we just have to do breathing treatments and inhalers plus meds at night.  Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I work in the classrooms.  Tuesday and Thursdays we have Soccer Practice.  Saturday is Game Day, Sunday is "Go See Taylor Day".  Next week we will start back to Kids Small Groups at Church where the kids go to Class and Trenton and I serve on Wednesday nights.  Chugging along like the lil engine that could...I think I can, I think I can... I try to smile and be thankful for each day.

If only good ol' Murphy would take his "Law" and move on...last night the "check engine light" came on in my car and today Stace's truck just stopped working... what next?  Or do I dare ask?

A bit frazzled today, I decided to make some gourmet cookies.  I got all the items I thought I needed only to come home and find I forgot the SUGAR...{Murphy's Law strikes again...darn it!}

So, now here I sit.  Ready to dawn my pajamas at 4:15pm.  I have meat marinating for dinner and am praying I will find the energy to cook it.  No cookie baking tonight.  I sure wish I had a darn cupcake to eat right about now!  

XoXo

Janean

And...We're Off!

My lil ones have been back to school for a month yet are still enjoying the busy days of what is left of Summer.  Birthday Parties with Snow Cones, Cupcakes, Bouncy Houses and Water Balloon Fights are sandwiched into our busy afternoons filled with Homework, Photo Shoots and Soccer Practice.  I manage to slip in a load of laundry {only to find someone poured bleach into my machine ruining my clothes... but that is another story} make a trip to the store or scribble a quick letter to Taylor. 


Today though, is a milestone in my life.  My Trenton started High School.  It hit me after I rushed out the door scampering and scurrying to get 2 boys and their backpacks in the car going down my mental checklist of which kid's class I was helping in today that I did not even make a big ta-doo about it. 


Man.  What a bad mom. 


I tried to call the house to make sure he was all set - but he was in the shower.  I started in on my husband with the "Make sure he has his schedule and did he get a lock for his locker?...Oh and what backpack will he be using because if it is the one from last year make sure he takes out the items from our Africa Trip.  Also make sure he has some money for lunch and are you taking him?  Or is he walking?"  Not allowing him to get a word in edgewise. 


I hung up and quickly made a mad dash for the school office to sign in as a Volunteer my mind whirring and wondering if my husband had answered any of the questions I had fired off.  With a shrug I went on with my duties willing my son to have a great first day of high school.  Hey, if he could get on fine in a third world country he can survive his first day of High School!


I am now home and have fed Trevan lunch, fired off a letter to the Kindergarten Class about the upcoming PTA Fundraiser, answered emails, gone back to get Turner from school, got him a snack and am now ready to tackle this week's final round of homework with two very UN-willing students.  All while waiting for my new High School Student to come home and tell me about his day. 


In the course of attempting to write this I had 2 phone calls.  One an annoying telemarketer and the other from my first born.  He sounded cheery although I had to strain to hear him and plug my free ear during our conversation.  He sounds like he is talking through an old tin can.  He informed me that he has 13 days of confinement left and was hoping I had good news on where he would go next.  Sadly I do not have any answers for him as his Public Defender is a very busy and hard to reach woman.  He ended by telling me that he loved me which is music to my ears.  It has been a long time since I could carry on a clear headed conversation with my boy, one that is not clouded with drugs and alcohol.  Such a wonderful feeling - one that I hope will continue.


It is September.  I can't believe our Summer is gone.  My long awaited Mission Trip behind me.  My kids all back to school.  My days will now be filled with driving kids to and from school, working in the classroom, field trips, room mom duties, after school play dates, Soccer Practice on Tuesdays, teaching Kids Small Groups on Wednesday nights and who knows what else!  My calendar is definitely full!


I love my boys.  I just have to be careful not to lose my self in this process of bringing them from childhood to adulthood.  If anyone has nailed this - let me know!


XOXO
Janean

Friends old and new...

I love my friends. 


Meet Kris.  She was my BFF in High School.  After high school her life went one way and mine another.  It was through the magic of Facebook that we reconnected.  We have been chatting, texting, talking and emailing for over a year.  She does not live THAT far...just in San Diego.  Yet our busy lives, being moms and just day to day activities have kept us apart.  Yesterday I had the joy of taking her pictures.  We only got to see each other for an hour or so, but it was like no time had passed.


She was the same girl I knew all those years ago.  Still as vibrant, witty and funny.  I miss hanging out and having fun together.  


There are SO many people that I miss.  I have friends scattered all over the country as well as family.  If I could have one wish it would be for more time and opportunities to spend with those I cherish.  Being with someone I knew when I was just a teen makes me miss all the other friends I once spent my days with.  Funny how all the old memories come rushing back!  Our minds are a wondrous thing!  I sit and wonder if the people whom I once called "friend" still remember me.  Where are they today and what have they been doing all these years...


At times I feel so lonely and wish I were just a kid again.  Carefree.  To turn back the hands of time...

Ah, adulthood - aint it grand?!


I can only pray that my kids make friendships that last a life time.  

Friends are like chocolate...you never realize how good they are until you run out!

Here's praying that you never run out of chocolate - OR - Friends!


XOXO
Janean

I'm here.

Many of you have emailed asking why I have not updated my blog in a long while.  
Thank you - I appreciate the nudge!

I have settled back into life as I knew it before Africa.  I have a restlessness about me that I never had before and an unexplainable peace at the same time.

I do not seem as quick to anger, find joy in things I never did before, have a greater appreciation for people and move through life now with my eyes wide open.  All of this is great, yet I feel restless.
I have a great yearning to return to Africa and do more.  I long to empower people here to become passionate about helping others - where ever they may be - those who are less fortunate.
It has become so clear to me how we here in America have settled into our little bubble of the world and how quickly all things can revolve around our comfort or lack there of.  It is so easy to justify indulgences for ourselves when there are children suffering in our own backyard - not to mention all over the world.

Many people can not help it as they are living totally unaware of how abundantly blessed and rich their lives are.  I feel a need to educate them.   Albeit they may not wish to learn,  my desire is still there.

I have spent some time setting up a website to help the Women from Christ Gospel Fellowship, in Kigali, Rwanda.  The women in this church are people like you and me.  They live, love and laugh.  They work hard to survive.  Many have been inflicted with HIV/AIDS and so have their children.  Yet they have hope in each new day.  They get up, they go on.  This ministry has brought women in who did not know where to turn and has taught them how to make baskets and beads for jewelry.  The women work tirelessly for hours creating these beautiful crafts, yet do not have a market in which to sell them.  I am determined to help.  All items on this site were handmade and brought here by me from Africa.  All money earned from the site will go directly back to the women who made them.
  
Please take a moment to check out the site:
http://www.creativeheartsofhope.com

Share the link with a friend!  Your simple small purchase will provide food, clothing, shoes and schooling for children 9,000 miles away!

Now a little on my home front.  Taylor has 25 more days in jail.  They are trying to get him before a WIC Court Judge to deem him unable to care for himself and grant him aid in getting rehab that specializes in dual diagnosis {both mental illness and addiction} as there are not many places that accept people like him.  We do not have $50k to $100k to pay for his treatment, and neither does he.  His next hearing in regular court is this Monday.  Please pray that there are some answers finally.

Our little Trevan will be 6 in a week.  He and Turner are both doing great at their new school {year round}.  Trevan starts Soccer next week and is SO excited!  Trenton will start HIGH SCHOOL in a couple weeks.  I can't believe he is so old!  He has been working with his dad and has earned enough money to buy a bike.  He is one happy camper now!

Our Chloe {trusted babysitter, friend and adopted daughter/sister} will return to Sonoma State in a few days.  We will miss her so!  She is such a blessing to us and her smiling face and giggles will leave us empty.  It is my hope that in April I can take the boys to see her and drive back with her for her Spring Break.  My lil boys have 6 weeks off then. 

I am looking forward to Kids Small Groups starting in September - I miss my kids!  I have loved teaching the Summer Class each Tuesday.  We have some awesome kids!  Ariel and Kamille are my student leaders and I love spending 3 hours with them!  I love their serving hearts.

I think I may be ready to start editing the photos from my trip.  Each time I have sat down to start the emotions come flooding back as I look at the sweet faces.  With a lot of prayer I think I may be ready to tackle the 10,000 images!

I have started a gallery of Africa on my Giggle Moon website - it is on the bottom - the far right bubble - if you want to check it out.  I will add more as I am able.
http://www.gigglemoonphotography.com

I hope you are enjoying what is left of our Summer and pray that you will be empowered to go out of "your bubble" and extend yourself to those who are in need...you'll be glad you did!
XOXO
Janean

Trying to be strong...


I have been home for a little over a week now.  I have been changed.  I am still processing all the information that I took in while in Africa.  I now have an obligation to do something.


I was chosen to go.  I am blessed to live here.  I want to do something meaningful in my life to bring about a positive change for others.  I am not just talking about helping people in Africa, I mean people who are just an arms length away.  I pray that I can empower others to "live and love beyond themselves" and move through life with their eyes wide open.


How much do you miss each day?  In this huge world do you know that so many people are lonely, sad and confused?  How often do you think of someone but do not take a moment to let them know?  Do you pass up opportunities to show love to others? 


I know that I am guilty of this.  I want to reach out with a call, a text or an email.  I quickly dismiss it thinking - "Nah, they are probably busy and I don't want to bother them or make them feel obligated to respond..." so I do nothing.


I have a big family, yet there are many times I feel sad and alone.  I feel misunderstood, unheard, unimportant in the lives that share the same living space as me.  My only option is to turn to God and ask for Him to take away the feelings of despair. 


No, there is no quick fix to any of life's challenges.  I now know as I have seen first hand that my burdens are lighter than some. 


Still.


Here I sit in the midst of them at times not knowing what direction to take.  I know that I should stop and ask directions.  I pray and then I wait.  I am human.  I am just like most people, I want a quick answer.  No one likes the discomfort of not knowing, of feeling lost.  Desperate.


I feel confused by having so many options yet no clear answers. 
What do I do?  Where do I turn?  How do I go on? 
At times I feel so small.  I feel defeat.  Can I quit?  I sure can.  I want to.  But I don't.


I have to keep on...keeping on.  Searching, looking, seeking - for the right path.  I will make mistakes, I always do.  I have to learn from them.


It is my prayer that others may see my journey and learn from me.  I want to be a light.  I have lived in darkness and have searched for the lighted path.  At times I find it quickly, other times my search is long.


Right now, I am in pain for my child, just as God feels pain for us.  I want to make my son okay.  I want to "heal" his mental illness.  I want to take him in my arms and make it all better.  I can not.  I can only pray for him as he is in custody paying a price for a choice he made while brokenhearted.


He is not a bad person.  I use to think that only bad people who did bad things went to jail.  I now know that this is not the case.  My son is ill.  He is mentally challenged and an addict as a result.  He does not make good choices.  He lacks the ability to think and reason rationally.  He reacts and acts on impulse.  We are all just one bad choice away from an unpleasant consequence.


It is so easy to sit in judgement of others.  It is easy to tell others what they should have done or should do.  Having forgiveness and compassion is not easy.  I have lost friends because of my son's actions.  But I ask - "were they real friends to begin with?" The answer is clear. 


I do not have to carry the weight of who he has become.  God loves him as I do, unconditionally.  I need true friends in my life who will stand by me no matter what.  We all do.  How judgemental are you?  Do you offer your friendship without limits?  We often neglect our friends and loved ones by "starving" them of positive reinforcement.  Why is it so easy to criticize so quickly?  What makes us the expert?


I challenge you to go out of your comfort zone and do something to bring about positive change for someone else.  I ask that you count your blessings.  Be humble.  You are free to live, free to love and free to give - FREELY to others.  A kind word, a kind gesture - they go a long way.  You never know what kind of impact you will have on someone else by just a simple call, email or visit.


Go and do great things.  Don't live in fear.  Take a moment and pray.  Ask God for direction.  Be open to receive.


XOXO
Janean

Weaving my way back...

Trenton and I are home from Africa.  I feel much like this child.  I feel like I am on the outside looking in.  I am tired and overstimulated by this life that at one time was the only life I knew.  Traveling 9000 miles from home and experiencing the simplicity of life that the African people live was amazing on so many levels.  


Most people think that when you travel on Mission that you are doing just that...a MISSION to bring about change and hope.  I must say that I was forever changed in ways that I could not imagine by the lives that I came across. Yes, we taught, we prayed, we touched and we played.  

I do not speak Kinyanrwandan or Swahili.  A smile is universal.  A simple wave accompanied by a cheery "Maraho" or "Jambo" {hello} was enough to evoke a crowd of children yelling "Muzungu" {white person} and running to greet you. 

Their clothes tattered and torn, dusty and dirty.  Their faces smudged with dirt and runny noses abound.  Heads that were shaved, feet that were bare.  Their beautiful smiles, warm soft skin and deep chocolate eyes melted your heart.  Quick to grab your hand, give a hug or take a place on your lap.  There were more children than we had hands or laps to hold.  Some would go from one person to another waiting for a turn to feel a loving touch.


We were able to learn their names but not their story.  You would hold a child and wonder where did they sleep at night?  Did they have a home or a mommy?  Were they hungry or thirsty?  


More often than I can recall I would go to put a child down and they would say so sweetly in a voice so soft you had to strain to hear "food?...water?"  Their eyes fixed on yours awaiting a response.  Your heart would sink to the depths of your soul.  

Knowing that you could not give that one child food or water because a hundred more would come running was enough to tear your heart out.  Embarrassed and ashamed, you would break their intent gaze and look away.  Guilt would flood you head to toe knowing that you would soon board a bus and guzzle a water bottle or two on your way to lunch.  Your mouth dry from all the dust, your stomach growling - you would soon satisfy your needs. 


Leaving them behind with sad eyes, waving at you with their small hands you had to put them out of your mind for the moment or the tears would flow.

How can we be so blessed to live here in America when there are so many beautiful children suffering?
Why and what.  Why must it be this way and what can we do?


I have many stories to tell.  Many divine appointments to share.  I am just trying to weave my way back into this overindulgent lifestyle that I have always known.  When I can come to grips with our ways and rest up I will share more with you.


Just know that if you are reading this, you are blessed.  You have been chosen.  You can make a difference.  Are you prepared to live simply so that others may simply live?  


My .mac account was up for renewal while I was away.  It is $99 a year.  I don't have the $99 to pay it and when I think about how much food $99 would provide for people who earn less than $300 a year {if they are fortunate enough} I am not sure if I will renew it or not.  So in the meantime if you wish to email me you may do so at justjanean@yahoo.com


Until next time...
XOXO
Janean

Long Winding Road

It is hard to believe that we are finally here.  Tomorrow is the day that we have been waiting and working for months to prepare for.  Our DEPARTURE DAY!


God has really shown us that HE is in control.  He has lead us through the bumps, the pot holes, the dangerous curves and the delightful straightaways.  He has strategically placed the red lights so we would stop and reflect.  He put the yellow lights just where we needed them to proceed with caution.  He then gave us the green to press on full steam ahead.


I have been stretched thus far beyond my comprehension.  I have grown in my faith, my trust and my endurance.  My heart has been molded and prepared as much as it could be to be broken for Him.  In the home stretch we have been brought through the death of a loved one, illness, joyous events and financial challenges.


Just a few days ago a dear friend suffered a heart attack and gave us all quite a scare.  God was not finished with him and he is still here with us.  For this I am so grateful.  The emotions that I have had in the past weeks are more than enough to last me a lifetime!


I can sing praises as yesterday - in perfect timing - Taylor was re-admitted to the Phoenix House.  I will have peace of mind knowing that he is continuing on his journey of recovery while I am away.


Trenton and I have 2 suitcases packed.  Each weigh in at 49 pounds {our limit is 50}.  Today I will spend time with my lil boys and then focus on packing last minute items and our carry-ons. 


I so appreciate all of you who have prayed us through and contributed your time and money to aid us in this mission.  I feel SO awesome to know that you are all going along with us in spirit.  I can not wait to share with you our experiences.  We will update via this blog and on Facebook as we are able.  Our trip leader Liza will also update the KSG website as she can - here is the link:

Saddleback KSG Blog

We leave tomorrow, July 8th at 2:30pm.  We invite any and all who would love to come see us off to meet at the MC2 Parking Lot {just up from the main offices on the left} at 2:00pm.  We will hug, take photos and pray then load the bus to leave at 2:30pm.

You can see our Prayer Journal on this website - for a day by day break down of prayer requests:

RWANDA 2010 BLOG

After 2 days of travel we will touch down in the Land Of A Thousand Hills, Rwanda.  Here we will do the work that God has already laid out for us.  He has prepared in advance divine appointments and people that we will be forever touched by.  I can't wait to be used for His glory!

Please pray for safe travels, pray that our luggage all arrives safely, pray for our health, endurance and that we would each have an attitude of grace.  Pray that our servants hearts will be used to the fullest!

XOXO

Janean

Journey of Emotions

Grandma Daisy

What a Journey down the path of {EMOTIONS} this past week has been.  In just 7 days I have experienced every emotion known to man.  I guess the Lord is making sure I am prepared for the Mission ahead.  In just 10 days Trenton and I will depart the United States bound for Africa.  I can't believe the time is almost here.

Last Saturday Grandma Daisy suffered a stroke. {fear, anxiety, worry}  It was sudden and I can't say that I am ever prepared to lose someone I love.  She hung on for 4 days which gave us all a time to say goodbye. {sadness, regret, apprehension}   It was very emotional.  We were given the opportunity to share with each other, cry and pray.  We spent time with friends and loved ones that we hardly ever get to spend time with.  I was afforded the opportunity to talk to my little guys about death.

It was a busy week as it was the last week of school.  There were awards ceremonies to attend {pride}, end of the year field trips {enthusiasm}, last day of school parties and then Graduation on Wednesday {happiness}.  Trenton graduated from 8th Grade, Megan (my niece) and Kamille (Taylor's Girlfriend) Graduated from High School.  The next morning Grandma Daisy made her way to Heaven {sadness, grief}.  At times I feel that I move through life on auto-pilot.  Going and doing, saying and praying, plugging along. {optimistic}

Thursday Trenton and I received our Hepatitis Shots and I had a reaction.  I broke out in itchy hives and got really tired. {worried} Perhaps a culmination of the emotional week I had just had.  Taylor had a probation appointment and was not even drug tested.  I was baffled.  I am not sure what the purpose of "being on Formal Probation" is if they do not even see him but once a month and do not even test him!  {frustration, offended}

Friday morning we sent Team One off on the Road To Rwanda Mission.  It was wonderful to hug our friends who are going before us and send them off with a prayer.  {confidence, happiness, love}  I then got to spend the day celebrating Turner's 7th birthday early - as I will be in Africa on July 18th.  Chloe's friend Danyale got us tickets to Sea World.  It was a great diversion for Megan to also get away and have fun with us.  The 3 girls and I toted my 2 lil ones all around Sea World and we had a blast! {exhaustion, happiness}

Saturday night Taylor, Kamille, Trenton and Monique went to the Lake to see a concert.  Some choices  were made and my super mom intuition had kicked in.  I knew something was up with they all wanted to spend the night at Kamille's.  I put my foot down and insisted that I pick Trenton up.  I am glad I did.  Sadly I found out that my trust had been broken {disappointment, betrayal}.  Taylor is eligible to return to rehab July 3rd based on availability.  Pray that he gets in so that I will not worry while I am away {fear, gratitude}.

My husband has been down with the flu for several days and I am praying that I do not get it prior to leaving for our trip. {vulnerable, weakness}

Today is the start of a new week {apprehension}.  I have so much to get done and so much to purchase before we leave {astonished}.  I have no money to purchase all our necessities {trust} as I do not get paid on my photo orders until the day we leave! {resentment} I will just have to trust that God has it all under control.  

The Services for Grandma Daisy will be on Thursday and Friday.  Her viewing on Thursday night in Cypress at Forest Lawn and a Grave Side Burial on Friday morning.  We will celebrate her life with a Memorial Service at Saddleback Church at 11:30 am on Friday July 2nd in Tent 3 - with a Reception following at the Harmsen/Artiano Home.

Pray for us all during this EMOTIONAL JOURNEY.  

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

XOXO
Janean

Twenty Two Days

One of my favorite numbers...22.  

Two plus Two = 4...God gave me 4 BOYS!

In just 22 days we will be on a plane bound for Africa.  Wow.  I didn't think a year ago that the time would come so fast!  I am so excited!

The past few weeks have been very challenging.  Today is a good day.  Taylor was released from the Phoenix House for "falling off" his sobriety path.  He went to court and was given another court date - he has 30 days to get back into the program.  He is eligible to return to the Phoenix House on July 3rd barring any drug use.  He went to see his Probation Officer and he needs to return on the 24th to be tested.  If he tests positive he will face 6 months in jail.  He started new meds and has his good days and his bad.  Today is good.  That is all I can ask for.

Tonight we have Kids Small Group Graduation.  I am so sad to see the year end.  I loved every minute of leading Class 101.  I am looking forward to teaching a Summer 101 Class with Kamille when I return from Africa.  I am sure the Summer will fly by and it will be time for Class 201 in no time.  I love each of my students.  Unique, each one in their special way.  It has been a joy to serve.  I think I got more from them than they did from me!

Tomorrow Turner is being recognized at his school for his outstanding Respect, Integrity and Responsibility.  I am so proud!  Friday Trevan will attend a screening at Westpark Elementary.  He is going to repeat Kindergarten next year at a new school with Turner.  They will start on July 26th just 2 days after I return home from Africa.  Short summer for them as the new school year round.  Friday night we have our Rwanda Team Pot Luck Dinner and send off for Team One.

Next week is filled with field trips, end of the year party, Trenton Graduates from 8th Grade, Kamille and Megan Graduate from High School, Trenton and I get more shots for Africa, Taylor visits Probation and then we end the week with a trip to Sea World with Chloe and Danyelle!  Whew!  Hope I make it!

Lord give me strength!

How can I complain?  Lots to celebrate and rejoice in!  Thank you Lord! <3

Off to Kids Small Group - last night for the year! :o(

XOXO
Janean

Forcast today...Foggy with a chance of SUN

I wish I could go back in time to the days where I had just Taylor.  Walking along the beach as a young family.  What could I have done differently?  This is the age old question.  If you had to do it all over again, what would you change?


We can't go back.  We can't change the past.  We can only focus on the here and now.  


My here and my now is covered in a deep, dense fog.  I feel like I could sleep for days.  I am in a mode of confusion.  The past four days have been a living nightmare.


Thursday afternoon we got a call from Taylor.  He told us that after nearly 50 days of sobriety, he fell into the snare of temptation.  He used drugs and got kicked out of the Phoenix House.  Our world was once again turned upside down.  


We knew that one day, he could stumble and fall.  We had just not prepared ourselves.  We had no plan in place.  Confusion set in.


Over the course of the next four days we dealt with drugs, pain, confusion, anger, hurt, remorse, guilt, addiction, mistakes, psychosis, illness, mental confusion, withdrawl, tears, violent outbursts, exhaustion, a hospital visit, sleeplessness, fear, uncertainty, doctor's appointments, phone calls, fighting, arguing, helplessness, hopelessness, surrender - the list goes on and on.


We do not know what tomorrow holds.  I don't even know what the next hour holds.  I am weary and burdened.  I know that God will give me rest.  I am just waiting for that to happen.  I am confused.  I am worn down.  I am trying to give it up to God, and not just "give up".  It is just so hard to do.  I struggle.  I fall.  I get back up.  I hold on to HOPE.


Taylor made a mistake.  It is now up to him to do the right thing.  He is to appear in court on Thursday.  In all probability he will go to jail.  He will face the consequences of his actions.  

Is this what I want for my son, no.  Do I have any control over it, no.  I have to accept that whatever happens - it is in God's plan.  I know that God has a plan for his life and for mine.  I have to TRUST in that.  It is all I can do.


I have a lot on my plate.  I want a peace that surpasses all understanding.  I am preparing my heart to go on a Mission half way across the world.  I can not let Satan steal my focus, my clarity.  I will fight each step of the way to keep my eye on the prize.  Giving it all to God, the pain, the glory, the disappointments the victories.  

He has it all figured out.  

I just have to rest in that.

Pray for me, pray for us.  Prayer is powerful - this I know.


XOXO
Janean

36 days and counting!

Last night I got the honor of meeting Pastor Francis from Christ Gospel Fellowship Church in Rwanda.  I met his wife Dorothy a couple of years ago.  At that time, I found out that they are involved with The ABC Foundation 

Here is some info on their program: 

Mission and History

of

Abana B’umwami Children’s Foundation

   Abana B’umwami Foundation started in 2002 in Kigali, Rwanda as a sponsorship program to provide tuition and school supplies to the children of Rwanda. Under the direction of Pastor Francis Mutabazi, the program initially supported 40 children, either orphaned or living in extreme poverty.

   A small team of missionaries from Calvary Chapel La Habra (CCLH) ventured to Rwanda in 2005 and had the opportunity to meet most of these children and many many more in need of support. At the same time, Pastor Francis and his community were praying for an answer, as the support for the program was not enough to meet the needs. 

 

   The team from CCLH came back with a burden to participate in this foundation. Within months of coordinating with Pastor Francis and presenting the needs to the body at CCLH, the Abana B’umwami foundation was not only able to continue to support the 40 original children, but it has grown to 200 children four years later. 

 

  With over 1 million orphans and over 101,000 child-headed households in Rwanda, there is a continual need that you can help meet.

I accessed their site and adopted a little girl named Rosine.  I am so pleased to share with you that I get to meet her when we are in Kigali!  If you would like to be involved by sponsoring a child check out their site! ABC HOME


I can't express how excited I am about our trip!  This Saturday Trenton and I will get our Travel Immunizations.  We have a huge praise.  Yesterday I was told how much we needed exactly for the shots.  I then prayed asking God to find a way - as I did not have the funds.  When I checked the mail I found a check in the exact dollar amount needed for the shots!  It was a payment from almost a year ago that had not found it's way to us until now.  Wow - God is amazing!

Just a reminder about the PEACE SKILLS TRAINING this Saturday at Saddleback.  If you are interested in going on a PEACE TRIP there are 17 modules to choose from!  

Check it out here:
June 5th PEACE SKILLS TRAINING 

Keep those prayers coming as we count down the days until we leave!
Thanks for being a part of our journey!
xoxo
Janean

If Heaven Was Needing A Hero

Spiritual Warfare

In preparation for our Mission Trip we were told to expect Spiritual Warfare.  I have seen it a time or two, have lived it on occasion.  It is very mighty and powerful and very real.  If you have never been through it first hand you may think I am a whack-o.  You see, when you are preparing to do something for the greater glory of God's Kingdom, the enemy wants to stop you at all cost.  

Members of our Mission Team are all undergoing these battles.  We can't let Satan win and expend useless energy on it.  We  must remain focused on our "mission" and forge on.  I have been reading a lot on this subject and came across this:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

This is what manhood is. This is what God is after. This is what he wants to make us in Christ. But the battle is not to become this kind of a man, for this is the kind of man Christ makes us when we follow him. The battle is to show it, to reveal it, to manifest what we are and thus to refuse to believe the lies that keep us weak and make us act like and animal rather than a man. Put on the whole armor of God, all that Christ is, pray, and having done all, stand!

I have learned in recent dealings that people may falsely accuse you.  People will misunderstand you.  I could choose to "fight the fight" or stand - silent.  God does not want me to waste energy trying to win battles, but rather rest in that He knows my heart and the truth.  I have a clear perspective, which I know comes from Him.  Yes, there are two sides to every story.  People forget this.  If my side is never heard, so be it.  No one is perfect and in all disagreements both parties make mistakes.  To quote someone who recently wrote me:   

"Do not be discouraged, just learn from your mistake and others... continue to have a forgiving heart and others will show you the same.  God is about unconditional love and forgiveness."

This is very true.  I can only pray that he molds my heart to have this forgiving heart and freely love and forgive unconditionally.


Battles can not be won with words.  Only in time will people see through action and deed who you really are.  It will be then that they can see your heart and see you for who God has created you to be.  We are forever evolving and changing.  We have to be open to learn from our hardships, take from them a lesson and change for the greater good.  If we do not learn we will be tested time and again.


I have a mighty job ahead of me.  The flaming arrows will come.  It is what I do with them that is the test.  Right now I choose to stand.  Stand firm in knowing that God sees the truth in all.  He is my rock and my fortress.  When any believer, even the newest and weakest, stands in the strength of Christ, puts on the whole armor of God, and, in dependence upon the presence of God in prayer, stands; the devil is always defeated.

Pray for our team members, or family and our friends as we all experience spiritual warfare each day.
Pray for us all to stand, as we know it is then that the devil is defeated!


XOXO
Janean

43 days...

Well - here we are.  43 days until Trenton and I leave for RWANDA.  Today is the deadline to have the $8000 required for us to go, turned in.  

Yesterday I was blown away by the donations that came in.  People have touched me so deeply by helping us with our trip.  It is not about the amount of money donated - it is the fact that people actually care, and take the time to show it. 


It the hustle and bustle of our world today it is so easy to just let things slide by.  I know - I am guilty of this as well.  I always have good intentions but sometimes time gets away from me and I miss a deadline to help someone or attend something that I had wanted to.

Today, for example my husband accidentally messed up our clock.  He set the alarm WAY too early (in my humble opinion) and when the alarm went off at what was suppose to be 6:00 am - it was really 5:00 am.   I heard the radio announcer say "It's 5:02 am" and I said "WHY?!! are we waking up at this hour when Trenton's appointment is not until 8:00 am??"  Then in an effort to fix the clock - my husband grumbled and fumbled for an eternity, making it impossible to slip back into dreamland.

I tossed and turned and never got the extra 2 hours of much needed sleep.  I got up and over breakfast my youngest sneezes right into his cereal bowl showering he and his brother in milk!  After cleaning up that mess, we set off for school and as I am looking for a parking spot a small over exuberant child darts in front of my van.  

I swerve to avoid killing him {just what I did not need today} and clip the plastic bumper of a parked car sending the plastic piece flying.  I quickly find a spot and shuffle the kids out to go give the person my info.  Upon reaching where they were parked - I find them gone and the plastic piece laying in the road.  

Now what?  

Frustrated I head for home listening to a lecture from my 5 year old on how I should be more careful when driving.


So, you see - I know times are tough and people are busy.  That is why each and every dollar that has come in has meant so much!  I am so proud to announce that we have officially met our goal!!  God once again provided.  He touched just the right people and the money all came in!

I am now just working on collecting/earning $317 for our travel immunizations and then some money to purchase items we need to take with us.  I would also like to take some spending money for use in the country.  

BUT - this is small compared to the $8000 that we have worked hard to raise since last year!!  I feel so proud and a great sense of accomplishment!  I feel like each person who helped is going along with us in spirit!


God has more than met us half way lately.  I am always so amazed when He provides for our needs.  It is like Christmas.  I pray and He answers.   All in His time...that is the part we all have to grow accustom to.  Nothing happens when we want it to!  


Patience and Perseverance.  Two things I have grown to know well.

I love this quote:  "Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did."

So, today is a happy day.  We have met our trip requirement.  I have lost another pound.  I have food in my fridge.  I have patience and I have persevered.  I have hope and I have love in my heart!


Who could ask for more?
Thanks for being a part of my journey!
XOXO
Janean

Forgiveness

Last night in our Kids Small Group we taught a lesson on FORGIVENESS.  It was really great to see these innocent kids and their take on being forgiven and forgiving others.

We need to stop and ask ourselves - how forgiving are we?  

Do you harbor resentment or hold grudges against others?  Do you have broken relationships that need repair?

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.  Is it easier to be forgiven than to forgive - you bet!

It's funny how we long to be forgiven but find it hard to forgive others.  Some people EXPECT forgiveness yet can not or will not forgive others.

Forgiveness plays a huge part in my sons recovery.  He has to forgive himself and allow us also to forgive him.  As his mother I can't help but to pardon him, as Jesus pardons me.  But we do not always feel this way with friends or loved ones.

I found the following on forgiveness:

In the New Testament, Jesus speaks of the importance of Christians forgiving or showing mercy towards others. The Parable of the Prodigal Son and the Parable of the unforgiving servant are perhaps the best known instances of such teaching and practice of forgiveness.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus repeatedly spoke of forgiveness, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” Matthew 5:7 (NIV) “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. 

First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24 (NIV) “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25 (NIV) 

“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.” Luke 6:27-29 (NIV) “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:36 (NIV) “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:37 (NIV)
 
Elsewhere, it is said, "Then Peter came and said to Him, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.'" Matthew 18:21-22 (NAS)

Jesus asked for God's forgiveness of those who crucified him. "And Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.'" Luke 23: 34 (ESV)

The Christian statement on forgiveness is best demonstrated in the Gospel message itself, namely that the Godhead chose to forgive mankind not for their own merit, but by unmerited favor. Unlike other religions, a Christian's forgiveness is given because of Christ's sacrifice, and can not be obtained by any works done by the Believer.  


Out of the basis of this forgiveness, believers are motivated to forgive all debts because of their debt Christ forgave at His own expense.

So, let me ask you...who do you need to forgive?  Or, who do you need to ask for forgiveness from?


Once you allow yourself to do so it is then, and only then...that you will be set free.

Free your heart...and the rest will follow.  No one is perfect.  Especially me. 

{Taylor I hope you can forgive me for anything I have done to hurt you along this journey}


XOXO
Janean

Unburden your heart

Oh!, to be able to live running through life with reckless abandon!

Being a kid again sounds pretty enticing right now.  Ask me, "How burdened is your heart?"  and I will have to tell you it's on overload.

I am guilty.  I am carrying burdens that are not mine to bear.  But as a mom, how can you not?


We had a home visit with Taylor yesterday and it was so stressful.  The severity of his mental illnesses were very clear.  He spent more time in turmoil and being upset, overly obsessed and attempting to control situations than he did smiling or enjoying "moments".  This weighs heavily on my heart.  I carry this burden.  He is MY child.  


I have to stop and think, that I am God's child.  If I feel this burdened over one of my own - how must he feel?  He tells me to come back to Him when I feel there is nowhere to run.  I have to do this.  I have to let Him carry my burdened heart.  I beg Him to fix my child.  Release him from the pain - be his refuge, his reason, his strength.  I need Taylor to find God.  


Taylor is in my heart.  He is ingrained, intertwined and connected to my inner being.  Yet, I can not fix him.  All I can do is watch when his world falls down around his feet.  I see his pain.  I hear his fear.  
I need to lay these burdens down before the one most high.  Yet this is so hard.


If you have never been in my place, please take a moment to thank the Lord for your healthy child.  


Speaking of health and children...Trenton had a visit to the ER last week and we found that he has a medical condition that could be serious, or nothing at all.  We are in the process of finding a specialist to help in this determination.  Another burden for my heart -- that I will lay at God's feet.


Stace hurt his back and has not had enough work to make ends meet.  We are down to the last leaves from the money tree.  No way to get food for the kids, and pay rent.  We were forced to go and apply for help today.  Not a fun burden to bear - so I will give this up too.  

I feel sorry for God.  How many burdens does he get laid at his feet a day?  Oh, I forgot -- HE can handle it.  He is almighty.  I smile when I think about how He can turn gray skies blue, clear storm clouds and place a bright shiny sun in their place.


How great is our God?  It would be amazing to be Him for a day!


Some days I feel so helpless.  Yet I am hopeful.  I have to be.  I have no other choice.


I am praying that you too, can unburden your heart along with me and lay all your heavy burdens at God's feet.  Today is today -- tomorrow is new.  Each new day brings Grace.


As Taylor would say, "Take it one day at a time, mom.  That is all you can do".


XOXO
Janean

Icing on the cake...

What puts the icing on YOUR cake?  


I thought of this yesterday as I was locked in the bathroom 
{involuntarily locked in... I will add}.

I went in with only 30 minutes to spare before I went to pick up my 3rd son from school.  I throw my towel up over the shower glass and shut the door - as always.  

I took my shower and when I went to make my hasty exit found that the door was, well...broken.  It would not open.  I pulled and I yanked.  I juggled and I banged.  I then started yelling for my youngest son.  "Trevan!  Trevvvvvan!"  I shouted and banged on the door.  I then pounded on the walls.  NOTHING.


I then remembered that I had turned on the stereo and that he was in my bedroom watching T.V. - probably at a higher than normal volume to drown out my music coming from the stereo.  


GREAT!  Just Great.  My son would come out of school and sit on a brick wall waiting for me and I would be here...stuck in the steamy, teeny-tiny apartment bathroom.  I continued to bang and pound and shout.  


So many thoughts raced through my mind.  How long would it be before Trevan came looking for me?  When was my husband due home?  I could be locked in here for hours!  I could die of boredom!  I will be found naked in a towel too tiny to cover me, how traumatic for my loved ones!

I usually bring the phone into the bathroom when I take a shower "just in case someone calls..." 
OH, NO!  Not today!  A break in routine.  Hummm - okay God.  What do you want to talk to me about?  You have my full attention.  You really don't have to LOCK me in the bathroom to get my attention, I promise!


So, I sat.  I sat perfectly still and silent.  I started thinking, and thinking.  

I keep telling my oldest son, Taylor "God does not waste a hurt..."  

I then reflected on an incident that he just had with a counselor making fun of his weight.  He tried to go to the counselor to ask that he stop and the guy dismissed him and teased him further.  His anger bubbled over and he was threatened with release from the program.  He tried to do the right thing - and did not get the result he desired.  

I then called the Program Director who said because of this incident - policy would change.  A staff meeting was called and the counselor was dealt with -- THE ICING ON THE CAKE.  


So, as I thought of these things and continued to bang and knock and yell for Trevan I tried to find the icing on the cake.  

Hummm...nothing in here.  I paced back and forth and as I decided to "tidy up" I fluffed the bath mat only to find a missing earring!  Ah... THE ICING ON THE CAKE!


After what seemed like forever Trevan came to the door and tried to rescue me.  He could not get it open either!  GREAT...panic set in.  I quickly calmed down and talked my son through on how to get a butter knife and try to force the lock open.


Finally after my 25 minutes of confinement I was freed.  He wiggled and jiggled and finally forced it open.  ICING ON THE CAKE!

With only 5 minutes to dress and get to the school we made a mad dash.


As I pulled up to the school I found a front row parking spot - more ICING!

I saw my son sitting on the little brick wall waiting with his teacher.  I ran to them and apologized telling the teacher of my confinement.  She then asked if I had spoken to the Principal.  I had not.  She then told me that Turner had been told NOT to throw a rock and he did anyway.  He was teary eyed and asked if I was mad.  We made our way home and discussed the incident.


Upon returning home, I retrieved the message left by the Principal.  She was chuckling as she told me that Turner age 6 years old {who has aspergers} Got a citation and suspension from playground play for the next 3 days for throwing a rock (aimed at no one). When sent to the Principal's Office he told her - "Mrs. Boone told me not to throw the ROCK. You see, I did not throw a ROCK it was just a "pebble"...had she said "do not throw the pebble" I would not have thrown it!" 

THE ICING ON MY CAKE!  I so love this bright little boy I have been blessed with!  Gotta love a kid with a high IQ!   

I vow to go through my life trying to find the icing instead of grumbling over the crumbs.  Thanks God, for teaching me a lesson.


HOPE YOU CAN FIND THE ICING ON YOUR CAKE TODAY!
XoXo
Janean 

Like the grain of sand that lodges in an oyster shell and becomes a lovely pearl, the little irritations of life can bring the beauty of God's Splendor to your inner self...

layer by layer.