Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sunday - Sunday

The days pass by so quickly and then I wonder where they have gone.  SO much to do.  It is hard to believe that March is almost here.  It seems like just yesterday we were taking down Christmas decorations!  Turner was sick all last week with a high fever - now Trevan has it.  I still have a nagging lingering cough which I can't wait to shake!

I have been busy on the business front - making a new blog for Giggle Moon Photography.  I have been editing photos and spending time with my friend Charity.  Our kids just love each other and it is so great to have a little girl to play with! 

I have wedding photos to edit and a wedding album to complete as I also prepare this week for our Road to RWANDA Garage Sale.  It will be Saturday February 27th from 6:30 am till 2:00pm.

We will be cooking a BBQ Lunch and it will take place at the home of the Plaza Family.  

They live at 24 Moccasin Trail in Trabuco Canyon.  Be sure to come by for a grilled burger or hot dog!  Stace, Trenton, Dave and Christopher will be cooking!  We are selling lunch and goodies along with a host of items to raise funds for our trip.  Come on by!

It is a cloudy day and it makes me miss the sunny skies and beach weather.  I just can't get enough of the salt air and sea breezes!

Soon Stace and I will be looking for a new place to live as our lease here is up soon.  We need to find a condo/town home with a garage and washer and dryer.  The laundry situation here is killing us!  It is just so not cool to haul all that laundry down 2 flights of stairs and then jockey for the machines.  The cost is adding up and I just long to be able to do a load when I want to.  Pray we will find something affordable in a nice location.

I still sit here in my pajamas and need to get a bite to eat.  All work and no play can burn a girl out!  I may just take Charity up on the offer to come to her home for dinner - stir fry sounds amazing right about now!  Thank God for awesome friends!

Until next time...

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Fly Away


Like I have expressed so many times before - I wish I could just sprout wings and take flight.  I would fly away.  Just like that.  Fly to somewhere peaceful, warm and secure.  Away from here.  Away from my life as I know it right now.

We have had a tumultuous week with Taylor.  Turner has had a high fever - some sort of flu.  Now I have it.  I do not even know where to begin with Taylor - other than he was accepted to a Crisis Residential Center and did not want to go.

He went this morning and then decided to leave.  He called and asked to be taken to a mental hospital.  Does he want help or is this a ploy?

As I sit here with my head pounding, my throat grows tight and then a wave of coughing erupts from within.  My head pounds harder especially listening to the demands of the little boys.  One is thirsty one hungry.  Turner is hot again and needs meds.  I await for a phone call from Stace to see what is the situation with Taylor.

Just as I expected - the phone rings and jolts through to my inner core.  Taylor is begging to come home.  Just ONE more chance.  Like a million times before.  One more chance.

We can not make him understand.  He is out of control.  He wants what he wants when he wants it.  An addicts mentality.  Manipulation.  A fungus that is growing rapidly.  

Twisting a parents heart and ripping it out of their chest - that is what kids with addiction do.  They beg.  They cry.  They play on your sympathy.  They get you so confused and wear you down until there is nothing left of you.

He is my SON.  My CHILD.  Yet he now lives in an adults body with the mind of a little boy.  He does grown up things that are so stupid, then recoils like a young child.  "I'm SO sorry...I won't do it again." 

I am catapulted back to 1995 when he was 5 and he tried to sneak a fresh hot chocolate chip cookie.  He was too small to reach them and in his efforts to get the one that I had placed so neatly on the top of the pile, he knocked the plate to the floor.  Cookies spilled all over and the plate broke into pieces.  He stood in the midst of the mess with his shock of blond hair and his sky blue eyes filling with tears.  "I am SO sorry Mommy...I didn't mean to."

I know HE doesn't mean to yell and hit things.  I know HE doesn't mean to leave and not come back for hours.  I know HE doesn't mean to come into our home under the influence of drugs and or alcohol.  HE doesn't...but the disease does.  The addiction that has invaded him like a monster means to.  It will not leave us alone.  It haunts us in our waking moments.  I creeps about when we are asleep, lurking and stealing our peace.   It makes his depression dark, dingy and horrible.  

Where is the help?  What do we do?  Stace is out of work still.  The fact we may not have a rood overhead next month is just a side note at this point.  We have been there before.  One more challenge...

Cry out to Jesus.  

This is my only answer.  So, Jesus here we are.  We are crying out to you.  We need you.  Can you hear our cries?  We are confused.  We are weary.  We are burdened.  We are lost.  Come find us.  Help us find the way...


Monday, February 8, 2010

Two steps forward...three steps back


Sometimes I feel like all I have left is prayer.

This weekend was filled with a lot of emotional lows.  Taylor is on a slippery slope and unfortunately we are on that slope with him.  He made some choices this weekend that were very disheartening.  He spent a night in the streets between Anaheim and Buena Park and ended up in Cypress.  He was assaulted and robbed.  He is not welcome back to the shelter that he was placed in.

My heart breaks that he is imprisoned by the strong holds of addiction and mental illness.  I want with every fiber of my being to push rewind and go back to when he was just 5 years old.  I want to call out to God and beg for a "do over".  

As a parent you can not help but analyze the past and try to figure out why all the madness.  Where do we go wrong?  What choices could we have made?  What and where did things go so far off track?

One thing, then another.  Life creeps in.  Cars break down in the midst of dealing with Taylor's tragic situation.  Kids run fevers and are up coughing all night long.  Teenage son is failing in school.  You get a letter on Saturday that one of the boys has missed too much school and now you are in trouble. Things piling up.  One teetering on top of the other.  You find you and your spouse are on different pages in different books.  Marriage is just a word.  No answers.  No where to run. 

Situations beyond my control.  I am trying to keep a very long train on it's track and am not doing a very good job of it.  I feel like I have climbed almost to the tippy top of a mountain and I am losing my foothold with each step.  God, please help me!  I am reaching my hand up high waiting patiently for him to pull me up.

I know he will not let me fall.  I just have to hold on.  It is so hard, as I am so human.  I want to run away.  I want to hide and wait for God to iron things out.  I do not want to keep facing each challenge.  I am growing tired.  I am weary.  I am going to run to God as I know he promises to give me rest.  It is just so hard to "find Him" in this dark place.  I will hold on and search for the light - as it is all I can do.

Please pray for me.  Pray for us.  Pray for Taylor.


Thursday, February 4, 2010



That is the hardest part.

Have you ever had to wait for a bad haircut to grow out?  Have you ever been anxious paint to dry?  Have you worked hard and waited for that promotion?  I hate waiting.

We waited the week out praying that each day Taylor would make it through in his new temporary home.  

We had a busy weekend.  I was reunited with an old friend.  The years that have passed made our reunion all the better.  I was overcome with excitement and joy and cherished spending time with her.  We waited for Taylor's court date on Tuesday.  As they say, the wheels of justice turn slowly.  In court we waited...and waited...and waited.

Taylor goes back on March 3rd.  He has been given the opportunity to seek Residential Rehab for a minimum of 6 months.  He will then have the charges dropped and be given 3 years formal probation, with 2 being informal if he goes a year with no problems.  If on the 3rd of March he has done nothing to get into a Rehab Facility they will put him in jail for 6 months.  This is for the charges of resisting arrest, assault of a code enforcement officer and brandishing a deadly weapon last March when he was very intoxicated.  

Now we WAIT some more.  The Phoenix House has a 12 week wait.  We will go interview on Tuesday - to be placed on a waiting list.  Then we will wait to see when he can get in.

He has to appear in court on the 16th for a recent charge of being under the influence of a controlled substance.  We will wait and see what will happen in this case.  More waiting.

I have never been good at waiting but am learning to have patience.  I think as we get older we learn that we have to wait and wait for things.

So we are now waiting to see what is God's plan for Taylor's life.  As with everything it is all in His hands!

I will keep you posted as things develop!