Monday, February 8, 2010

Two steps forward...three steps back


Sometimes I feel like all I have left is prayer.

This weekend was filled with a lot of emotional lows.  Taylor is on a slippery slope and unfortunately we are on that slope with him.  He made some choices this weekend that were very disheartening.  He spent a night in the streets between Anaheim and Buena Park and ended up in Cypress.  He was assaulted and robbed.  He is not welcome back to the shelter that he was placed in.

My heart breaks that he is imprisoned by the strong holds of addiction and mental illness.  I want with every fiber of my being to push rewind and go back to when he was just 5 years old.  I want to call out to God and beg for a "do over".  

As a parent you can not help but analyze the past and try to figure out why all the madness.  Where do we go wrong?  What choices could we have made?  What and where did things go so far off track?

One thing, then another.  Life creeps in.  Cars break down in the midst of dealing with Taylor's tragic situation.  Kids run fevers and are up coughing all night long.  Teenage son is failing in school.  You get a letter on Saturday that one of the boys has missed too much school and now you are in trouble. Things piling up.  One teetering on top of the other.  You find you and your spouse are on different pages in different books.  Marriage is just a word.  No answers.  No where to run. 

Situations beyond my control.  I am trying to keep a very long train on it's track and am not doing a very good job of it.  I feel like I have climbed almost to the tippy top of a mountain and I am losing my foothold with each step.  God, please help me!  I am reaching my hand up high waiting patiently for him to pull me up.

I know he will not let me fall.  I just have to hold on.  It is so hard, as I am so human.  I want to run away.  I want to hide and wait for God to iron things out.  I do not want to keep facing each challenge.  I am growing tired.  I am weary.  I am going to run to God as I know he promises to give me rest.  It is just so hard to "find Him" in this dark place.  I will hold on and search for the light - as it is all I can do.

Please pray for me.  Pray for us.  Pray for Taylor.