Friday, February 27, 2009

One foot in front of the other...

Well - I keep putting one foot in front of the other - making progress one step at a time. Yesterday I went to the doctor as I have been suffering from anxiety - like I have never had before. It was causing my heart to whack out and I felt like I was going to pass out - when I became overwhelmed. I know this is just situational and will pass when our lives get settled. The doctor was able to give me some medicine to help me in the meantime.

We took the boys to the hotel to help transition them so they can better understand where we will be going and lessen their anxiety. They thought it was really "cool" and loved the fact there was a pool - Trenton loved the workout room.

I'll admit the tiny fridge and 400 square foot room will take a bit of getting used to as a home - we will have some spacial challenges especially in the sleeping arrangements. We will have 2 queen beds for 5 people and they do not have roll away beds. We may borrow a cot and see if we can make due so that everyone has a place to call their "bed".

We still have not gotten our 5 day notice - maybe today.

We are thankful for each day and are thankful to the people who set up the hotel stay as well as the general manager for giving us the great rate of $59 a night. We will use our yard sale money for the hotel fees. I am not sure of the journey past this - so I will wait and see what the Lord has in store.

I keep applying for jobs - and going forward. The thing I miss most about getting rid of all our possessions is the washing machine and dryer - you do not realize how much laundry is generated by 6 people when it is gone!

A woman wrote me and asked me what I have learned thorough this process.

I took some time to reflect and I can say that I have been humbled. I have become more aware of myself. I think I have been stretched and have developed a greater sense of resilience, the ability to take what comes, bounce back and move on. I am quicker to process information and weigh the options.

I am not dwelling on the negative - but attempting to focus on what will come - not what has become.

I feel like I am finding myself in this process and learning more about me. I am letting myself emerge and break free. I know what makes me happy but have suppressed and sacrificed some of these things over the years to conform to what I thought the world and people around me wanted me to be.

I now know that it is okay to be. Okay to be ME. Janean...just Janean.

I am stronger - although I have days where I break down. I fall apart then I get back up again. Sometimes you have to cry. Sometimes you have to laugh at your situation. These are all coping mechanisms that help thrust you forward on your journey.

I have learned that I am relational. I love friends, and relationships. I love meeting new people and connecting with those from my past. My relationships are my treasures.

We will be okay - even though there are days that it may not seem like it. I thank all who have helped us and continue to help us along the way. I know that we have the ability now and always to pay it forward. We will be blessed to be a blessing to others. I will make it a mission to go forward and do just that.

Each day is a new day in the Lord - and because of that I have hope and comfort.

This is not easy - as we all know - nothing in LIFE that is worth anything comes without work. It takes 9+ months to create a human being and then the labor of love to bring that child into the world. I am in the pregnancy stage of this journey and look forward to the day I can give birth to our new life.

I'll keep you posted - thanks for coming with me on my journey!


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Life is what you make of it...

I have learned though this trying process is that LIFE is what you MAKE of it...

While sorting and donating the kid's toys - they became very upset. I decided to make it a "fun adventure". For them I do not want this to be a loss - or a negative thing.

So I made a game of it - I let them decorate totes with their names, stickers and markers. We then would take 3 items at a time. One would go to a child who needs a toy more that them, the second got to come on the "Hotel Adventure" and the third would live at Grandma and Grandpa's House. I found that through this ritual it was teaching them that Life Is What You Make Of It... No one really wants to give up things that they treasure. But after all things are just things - they are all on loan from God.

You can make any situation into a positive if you just set your mind to it...

I am making effort to make this an adventure - no matter how sad I may feel at any point in time - I quickly dismiss the sadness and replace it with a positive thought.

I want to be a shining example to my friends and family - to show people that we can and do have control even if we feel we do not. It is a mindset - Life - is a mindset.

You can make Life suck - or you can make Life what you want... It is all up to you.

My situation is not the best - but I can make the best of my situation.

We have not gotten served yet - so each day is another that we have to donate items and pack.

Our "Adventure in living in the Hotel" will begin soon - and I will update you when we are out of the house.

Make it a great day - I am trying!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

many thanks...

Thank you all so very much for all the love, support and help during these trying times!
We have been so blessed by people driving in from a far to lend their strong muscles, their hugs and their support in getting us ready to move.

We have been brought food, had people take the lil guys for fun filled adventures, had friends come hang out and lend their organizational skills, had my mom here every minute she can be, we have been prayed for - prayed 0ver, loved on and more.

We are still unsure of our destination and where this journey will lead us - but are so humbled and grateful for all the support - I can not express to you in words how overjoyed my heart is with the love and outpouring of time that has been committed and given to us.

Again - I say thanks!
Blessings to you!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Journey -

Ask - and you will be given.

I asked for the Lord to provide.
He is faithful.

Our sale went wonderful today.
Wonderful people came, gave their time, took items and donated money.
We met new friends, found souls who truly care.

Great people left in this world.
I am blessed.

We are on a trip - and we just do not know the destination.
God is my travel agent - and he is planning the trip - each leg of it.
I pray we do not have many lay overs and that we will arrive at our destination rested and relaxed.

Some of the scenery has not been beautiful - but I know there are awesome sights up ahead.

Thank you all for your love, help and support.

Tomorrow is another day - another sale -
we will overcome - simplify - be free!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A new crop

New the fields of life.

We went to court today and lost.
We are being evicted in 5 days.

A new crop in the field of life.

We will cultivate the soil.
We will plant new seeds.

We will weed and water.

We will reap the rewards of our new crops...
where ever they may be planted.

Things are just things - we still have each other.
Basic needs - that is all that is important.
Shelter - will come.
Food we will have.
Love - can not help but grow through this process.

Pray for the Lord's will be done.
We shall praise him in this storm!

Monday, February 16, 2009

minute by minute

tick...tock...this moment - now...

I have done some reflecting and realize that I allow time - to control me and my life.

Instead of living minute by minute I have spent unnecessary energy on focusing on what is going to happen in the next hours, days, weeks, months or years. We can not predict the future so why is it we spend so much time trying to neatly fit our lives and activities into a little window that is defined by time?

I guess my personality or the way God wired me has a bit to do with it. I am a spontaneous person and love adventure but there is a side to me that likes assemblance of order. But when I dissect that - assemblance is just resemblance, a likeness, an appearance. I like for things to appear to be in order - but am not sure if I have what it takes to make it happen. Perhaps that is why I spend time trying to figure out what is going to happen, what needs to happen and what may happen.

I need to refocus and live minute to minute. Live like this day is my last. Focus on the NOW not on what is next. These are hard things for me to wrap my mind around! I like to plan things and have them work out like I want. I want to fit my things into a box that is constrained by time.

As I was driving into work looking at things that bring me pleasure - I realized how time has such a hold on me. I adore the trees that have lost their leaves dark and textured against the blue sky. I want to stop and watch the rain drip slowly from their branches. I would love to use my camera to record these things for my enjoyment. I can't do so - because I am in a rush - a hurry - to get somewhere. All because of time or the lack there of...

I am going to do my best to be here - and live now. This obsession with time has robbed my kids of the essence of the moment and has hindered me in enjoying them as little precious beings. For that I can be sad - or I can move on and refocus for the future. So now I choose to live like there is no tomorrow. I vow to not let schedules, clocks or calendars ruin who I am by allowing the stress of expectations to infiltrate my being.

I am going to look at my children through new eyes. Eyes that I am grateful to have. Children that I have been honored to have been given.

So now I vow that...
I will be.

Just me...minute by minute.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day - Kiss Someone You Love!

Today I wish you love, joy, peace and happiness.

I seemed to have let my mind get the best of me and allow my physical being to get run down. I had a pep talk today from a friend Eric. He is a life coach and his words are just what I needed to cultivate a new mental "farm" if you will.

I need to weed my soil, not focus on the wilted and dead plants and till the fresh earth and start anew. He helped me to understand that we need to clear the negative thoughts of the past away. We can not change them so why focus on them?

I am in control of my attitude and my future. I will not put time limits on myself and learn to live minute by minute. I am going to make time to quiet my mind. I will take joy in the simple things that I have always had a love for.

I love the clouds, I love the way the grass feels on my bare feet. I love the smell of a crisp spring day. I love taking photographs.

Why is is that we get so consumed with life and life's challenges that we forget to just "be"? BE truly IN the moment? Yes, circumstances suck. But Eric made me see that I need to relish in the fact that I am alive TODAY. I am breathing - I can kiss my kids. I can see beautiful things, hear beautiful sounds.

So...I am going to do my best to "un-focus" my mental state on the things beyond my control that are going on about me and conquer them with joy and appreciation for all that I DO have.

You will greatly appreciate Eric's views - I encourage you to check out his site. His family is truly a "ray of sunshine" - and I want to be just that! I want my joy and hopefulness to be contagious!

So Happy Valentine's Day - go forth and be joyful - find something simple - let chocolate melt on your tongue. Kiss your kids or someone you love and breathe them in - relish their smell and be filled with the emotion of love - after all that is what it is made for - our enjoyment!

Here is more on Eric...

His teachings can be found on his website:

Here is an entry from his blog on the 10th...

If you can imagine yourself in turmoil as many do, why not imagine yourself in pure joy. Why is it easier to feed from the negative things around you then live life in pure happiness? Every time negative thought pops into your head, write it on a chalk board in your mind. Visualize yourself writing on a big green board with white chalk.

Now very slowly see yourself erasing it from the board. Smell the chalk, feel your eyes water and almost sneeze. Do this over and over again until that feeling has been eased from your mind and then move on. There is so much joy available in the world, take that moment after the vision of the erased board is just a smeared splotch of white chalk, and find something that makes you smile.

i.e. Your kids, your wife, the beach, your favorite song, me…

(taken from website - writing of Eric Schmidt)


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Choose Joy...

I am in a fog today.

My mind feels like a cluttered attic with dusty items crammed in the corner - some that I need to keep others - just tossed out. I have so many tasks to be completed - so many things that are "up in the air". I feel like my brain could actually implode.

Being a mom is a full time job. Trying to be my best at my "paying job" is a task in it's self. Being a wife - well - let's not open that can of worms! Moving - we all know is one of the most undesirable things a person can do - all the packing, sorting and just the physical demands are revolting! Trying to wait on God's plan and see where we are suppose to move - well - this is a challenge that I am having a terrible struggle with.

Don't get me wrong - I love adventure - but this is torture! I am snowed under with paperwork that needs to be done. I am not a person who has "worked the system" - so I am very unfamiliar with what needs to happen. Tomorrow I have to meet with Social Security to aide Taylor and Stace in applying for disability benefits. Today I have to find the names of each and every doctor that they have both seen in relation to their respective accidents. Tomorrow I need to balance going to their appointments and going into work. Next week on the 17th we are going to court to be evicted. No legal council - no idea of what is to come.

Our grand ideas of having a yard sale have been drowned by the rain both last weekend and this weekend. I still have boxes and boxes to sort through. Eliminating clutter and scaling down. This does feel good - but wears me out! My mom is faithful to help each day but I feel so badly as I see her tire. I know this is a sad and frustrating ordeal for her - as she is like me. We are "fixers" we like to fix things and make things right in everyone's world.

This monster is one we can not fix - this one is all Gods!

One thing I have learned - is that we are not in control of much in this world. The one and only thing I am in control of is MY ATTITUDE. Although I am weary, worn and tired - I will attempt to plow through this all with a good attitude. Not scream out "Why me?" not scowl and scream at all I come into contact with. I will try to maintain a positive outlook, smile when I don't feel like it and dig deep to fantasize great thoughts about what t is to come.

When the sun is smiling down on us - the air is fresh and crisp my blue eyed boy smiles up at me, how can I not be filled with joy?

My situation is NOT joyful - but my heart can be.

I chose joy. It does not choose me.

My situation may have chose me but I do not have to let it conquer me. I will hold fast to my strength and praise God in this storm. For He is who He is and He has made me, ME.

I want to be the best Me I can be. One day at a time...

So here to do a mountain of work and try to smile all the while...

Wish me luck - go about your day too, and choose JOY!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Oh to be the rubber ducky...

Today I am dog tired from a long work weekend. I decided that since I have SO much to get done I would take a quick, efficient shower and then dawn my jammies. Since it is pouring down rain - I figured I deserved a full fledged "kick it in your p.j.'s day".

We have a roman tub that is enclosed on 2 sides with glass and glass doors. Being challenged in height it is hard for me to step over the high, thick ledge and get into the shower. I blame today's misfortune on very poor architecture!
We usually have 2 of those plastic mats with little rubber hairy circles in the tub. Stace apparently decided after the boys bath to remove them and put them on the wall of the shower to rinse them.

I never - ever - use makeup remover but received a free sample in the mail. I decided to remove my mascara prior to my usual ritual of vigorously cleansing with medicated apricot face scrub.

I quickly found out why after all these years - I do not use make up remover. It was oily and got into my eyes blurring and stinging preventing me from seeing that the tub mats were removed.

As I attempted to step over the tall thick ledge my foot hit the slippery bath tub and I did the scissor splits right onto the track of the shower door.
I am actually embarrassed to tell you that this is the second time this has happened. The first time was when we first moved in and discovered that my short legs were a big challenge to successfully land me surefooted into the large tub. Thus prompting us to purchase tub mats!

As you can imagine - I hit a very tender area. (now twice - ouch!)

I righted myself and quickly ripped the mats off the wall of the shower and placed them where they belong for a solid footing. I was determined not to get killed today - at least naked in the shower.

As my luck would have it I went about my stealth rituals in bathing trying to hurry.

Not a good idea.

Some things should never be rushed! I was at the end of my cleansing rituals and I grabbed the exfoliating face scrub that I love so much - the generic one from Target - and began to quickly and efficiently scrub my face. I was in a huge rush and in my large circling motions combined with the superior lubricants and tiny exfoliating beads I accidentally jammed my pinkie finger way up my nose. I saw purple stars and think that I actually make contact with my brain creating a small lesion.

In which case, that would explain why I see it necessary to tell all of you what a klutz I am.

Perhaps a trip to Seattle Grace Hospital, to see one of the cute doctor's from Grey's Anatomy is in order!

I am sure by now you will agree that my chances of dying in the bathroom have been greatly increased due to the recent accidents I have suffered in the el banyo.

Perhaps in my next life I should come back as the "rubber ducky"...

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Je t'aime...Te amo...Kocham cię...Ich liebe dich

With Valentine's Day approaching I have been contemplating LOVE and what it really is...

Love sees with the heart and not with the eyes...

What is LOVE anyway? How is it that one emotion can have so many definitions? We as humans have a tendency to throw this four letter word around. We "love" food. We "love" animals. We "love" things. We "love" people.

Is love only a feeling?...
Or is it a way of living?

How many kinds of "love" is there? I am not sure that anyone really knows. LOVE is like color.

I believe that one person can have as many kinds of LOVE in their heart as there are colors.

No one really knows how many colors the human eye can see. The closet researchers can estimate is millions and millions.
Scientific experiments have shown that humans can discriminate between very subtle differences in color, and estimates of the number of colors we can see range as high as 10 million.

There are many degrees of love, loving, being loved and falling in love. Is it truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

Is it better to have free access to a person we love, but that does not fully return our love, or to be perfectly loved by someone who is not free to see us?

Is desiring a "thing" more delicious than owning it?

Can we love something more than ourselves?

Do you choose who you love?...Or is it some uncontrollable force?

Isn’t love what we all desire?

How could we live without loving and being loved?

Interesting questions to ponder. I know I love a lot of people and have a great affinity for certain things. I do love certain forces in nature and sounds that comfort me. I pray that the greatest gift I could ever give is that of the gift of LOVE. When I leave my loved ones behind I want to know that I have loved with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength and all my mind. This is how God wants us to LOVE.

I think there is no greater gift than feeling LOVED by someone...accepted for who you really are and most of all being totally loved by God.

Luke 10:27
'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

So don't forget to tell those in your life - "I love you"...

Especially on Valentine's Day!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Life is a Highway...'s 4:00 in the morning...and it looks like it's gonna be another sleepless night. I'm just sittin' here listening to the sound of my husband snoring above the sweet melodic dropping rain. I laid in bed for nearly an hour tossing and decided to come downstairs.

It is peaceful down here. I can actually hear the rhythmic drops of rain hitting something metal outside the window I have set up camp near. It is soothing coupled with the loud ticking of the kitchen clock.

My mind played with me as I attempted to slumber tonight.

Have you ever been on a highway anxious to reach a destination, and you were traveling at a higher rate of speed than you normally would? Somewhere in the back of your mind you figure - if I go just a bit faster - we'll arrive sooner. Afterall you are ONLY going 10 mph over the speed limit.

Then as you are concentrating on the traffic ahead wanting to still maintain your sleath plan of speed and efficiency you are trying to find that new favorite song on the radio. Your kids are in the back bickering and arguing and begging for you to pop in a DVD that you have only "heard" from the drivers seat a gillion times. As you are doing all these things at once your bluetooth rings in your ear. It is someone from work calling to talk about something that you have pushed out of your mind because you are supposed to be going on a vacation - an escape.

As all these things are going on you see some really cool billboards ahead. You are momentarily distracted as your inate curiousity WANTS to read each one as they come speeding past you. They one after the other become a blur...too many things going on in your mind to concentrate on reading a huge, cool billboard.

That was me tonight. As I attempted to sleep my mind was on a highway of it's own with billboards speeding past and no time to read them.

So I gave up...I pulled my car over and here I sit. Contemplating my day tomorrow - well actually today at work as I navigate my way through 2 hospitals and try to be cheery when I know I will be dog tired.

Frustration at it's finest.

Maybe I will drink some hot herbal tea - decaf of course, with just the right amount of Splenda and curl up here on the sofa and doze.

Maybe "cooling off my engine" by pulling off the road will be enough to lull my silly brain back into a peaceful slumber.

Wish me luck - cuz life is a highway and it's keeping me up...all night long!

Friday, February 6, 2009


Hello all...

I have been here and I have been there. I have been doing some of this and some of that. Not a lot of fruitful activities I fear.

I mean well - but somehow my path becomes slippery and I seem to slide off in a different direction. I when out of town to see about a job and re-location. I was able to spend some time with my friend and it was a great escape from "MY" reality. Although it is funny..."MY" reality is not far enough away even though I may be.

I have thought of myself as confident and strong in the past but lately I do not have a lot of strength and I am not confident in what my future holds.

My husband is on edge - going a little mental over the situations looming overhead - homelessness - complete poverty - not finding work - dealing with four boys. I can't blame him - the difference is I have one up on him. I have to deal with all the same issues - and my list includes HIS mental state and the fact that I have to go to work and apply for job after job - go on interview after interview and deal with all the other stresses he can not handle.

So, in theory I have 5 boys...FIVE children to care for. I feel as though I am swimming - treading water in a muddy - mucky pond. My body is laden with mud and pond sludge and treading water is becoming more and more difficult by the day.

I went into work to fill in yesterday only to find the stock room filled with brand new baby beds. No problem, except they were lined up 5 rows deep in FRONT of my camera cart. I had to try to hold a heavy door open with one foot and jimmy and wrangle each bed out of the room, parallels my life.

Moving one obstacle after another to finally get to what we need to survive.

I finally cleared the camera cart, got it out of the storage room then had to move each bed back into the room before I could do my work. What a hassle. Life. It can be filled with hassles, can't it? I finished my work and went back to put my cart away, forgetting that all those beds filled the storage room. I opened the door only to find they had delivered MORE and I had to move 10 more plus all the others to get my cart back into the corner where it lives. Sheesh.

I was not a happy camper. I did the task at hand, and after getting my cart back into the corner...getting all the beds back into the room I looked at my accomplishment and sighed. I felt glad that was all done.

As I looked over the room feeling pleased with myself something shiny on my cart caught my eye...could it be? NO! Not my car keys! I just wanted to scream. Had it been my umbrella - I would have walked the mile in the rain - but the stinkin car keys?!

I had to then move all those beds out to clear a path to retreive my keys. Like I said, treading water in the mucky, muddy pond. I made my way to the parking lot - a mile walk to the employee section.

As I did I got a call from Saddleback Church telling me that the position that I applied for, and thought I had - well...they were "Un" Hiring me. She said she could not add anymore staff at this time, she was kind and prayed with me.

My heart still sunk to the bottom of the muddy pond. is running low. Strength...almost gone. I called my friend to "cry on her shoulder" then tried to call my answer.

As I drove home in the driving rain - I cried. I begged God to stop testing me. I am tired. I am doing the best I can do...I came home - back to the reality that I call "my life". A depressed husband, fighting kids, and a puppy who loves me so much he can not keep his tongue off me. I appreciate his doggy kisses - really I do - but after the day I had - I found that being covered in doggy tongue to be irritating. I got him a bone to chew...had a fight with my husband - kissed my kids and went out to use a gift card for dinner.

I am not a "drinker" really. Not in the alcoholic sense. I enjoy a drink now and then. I do not use alcohol to escape life's problems, BUT... Tonight I decided that a margarita sounded really good.

We went to Avila's - I had a pomegranite margarita and a xanax. I ate my favorite tableside guacamole and life for the moment felt good.

I came home, watched my favorite show - The Biggest Loser - on Tivo curled up in my bed with all three of my boys who still need their mama, then fell fast asleep. another day. I am going to work - maybe.

As I was writing this - Stace discovered that the little villian who enhabits our dwelling - locked our bedroom door and shut it. We have one of those KEY locks - as we have to keep the BIG Villian - Taylor - locked out so he does not steal our pocket change, or any meds that he thinks might "make his world right".

So as I am writing this - my injured husband is climbing a ladder to the second story bedroom window - using a butter knife to remove the screen and attempt to "break in" to our room so I may take a shower, dawn my purple uniform and go make $10 an hour to put food on the table.

Oh, and did I mention that he is doing all this . . . in the pouring RAIN?
Life...can it be much better?

Make YOUR day a great one - all I can do is try!