Friday, September 23, 2011

Finding Sunshine...

I try to find the bright spots in my darkness.  At times, things can be pretty dark in my world dealing with something that I have no answers for and can not explain. 

Mental Illness and Addiction {Dual Diagnosis} are like two separate gruesome demons.  They mask themselves at times and you have a slight glimmer or glimpse of the person you know is in there.  Other times it rears it's ugly head and sends you reeling. 

Trying to separate your emotions from love, fear, anger and desperation becomes a daunting task that takes you on a roller coaster day by day.  It is a wonder that I have not developed some sort of disorder of my own.  {perhaps I have and don't know it!}

I have to be one person in dealing with Taylor, yet another in my mothering of my other three sons and yet another as a wife to a husband who is too growing weary of this affliction that our son is trapped by.  I then am a business owner and nanny too. 

Honestly when people marvel at my strength, it is all due to my faith.  I know that God is mighty to save.  I know He has my back and without the promise of hope in each new day, I can't say that I would be who I am today. 

I want to run, hide and escape my life. I know the Lord does nothing by accident.  There IS a purpose in all this madness.  I may never know what that is, but wish to pass His test.  I want to hear "Well done, my good and faithful servant".

I look at the blessings that the Lord showers upon me.  People He places in my life to make me laugh and help me to rediscover who He created me to be.  You see, I have been a bit lost.  I have been in survival mode, and still am to a degree. 

For a long time I have held back.  Taken things slow.  Waiting for things to get messed up.  Disorder and chaos has been so rampant in my life that I have come to expect that all good things will end.  I forgot who I was in all of this.  I forgot how to laugh, how to smile and how to believe in ME.

I am digging my way out.  I am learning my limits, learning to say no and be okay with not doing all the things I think I should take on.  I cherish the little things and appreciate the "moments" when they come. 

I treasure the friends that the Lord has brought to come along side me on this path.  As I look back I see different people, some still here, some not; that He has brought into our lives.  Each one plays a role in helping me know that He is sovereign.  He is provisional and unconditional.

Yesterday was a very no good, simply rotten, horrible day.  Today I will find the sunshine and keep holding on to the promise of a better tomorrow.