Oh!, to be able to live running through life with reckless abandon!
Being a kid again sounds pretty enticing right now. Ask me, "How burdened is your heart?" and I will have to tell you it's on overload.
I am guilty. I am carrying burdens that are not mine to bear. But as a mom, how can you not?
We had a home visit with Taylor yesterday and it was so stressful. The severity of his mental illnesses were very clear. He spent more time in turmoil and being upset, overly obsessed and attempting to control situations than he did smiling or enjoying "moments". This weighs heavily on my heart. I carry this burden. He is MY child.
I have to stop and think, that I am God's child. If I feel this burdened over one of my own - how must he feel? He tells me to come back to Him when I feel there is nowhere to run. I have to do this. I have to let Him carry my burdened heart. I beg Him to fix my child. Release him from the pain - be his refuge, his reason, his strength. I need Taylor to find God.
Taylor is in my heart. He is ingrained, intertwined and connected to my inner being. Yet, I can not fix him. All I can do is watch when his world falls down around his feet. I see his pain. I hear his fear.
I need to lay these burdens down before the one most high. Yet this is so hard.
If you have never been in my place, please take a moment to thank the Lord for your healthy child.
Speaking of health and children...Trenton had a visit to the ER last week and we found that he has a medical condition that could be serious, or nothing at all. We are in the process of finding a specialist to help in this determination. Another burden for my heart -- that I will lay at God's feet.
Stace hurt his back and has not had enough work to make ends meet. We are down to the last leaves from the money tree. No way to get food for the kids, and pay rent. We were forced to go and apply for help today. Not a fun burden to bear - so I will give this up too.
I feel sorry for God. How many burdens does he get laid at his feet a day? Oh, I forgot -- HE can handle it. He is almighty. I smile when I think about how He can turn gray skies blue, clear storm clouds and place a bright shiny sun in their place.
How great is our God? It would be amazing to be Him for a day!
Some days I feel so helpless. Yet I am hopeful. I have to be. I have no other choice.
I am praying that you too, can unburden your heart along with me and lay all your heavy burdens at God's feet. Today is today -- tomorrow is new. Each new day brings Grace.
As Taylor would say, "Take it one day at a time, mom. That is all you can do".