Tuesday, June 8, 2010
I wish I could go back in time to the days where I had just Taylor. Walking along the beach as a young family. What could I have done differently? This is the age old question. If you had to do it all over again, what would you change?
We can't go back. We can't change the past. We can only focus on the here and now.
My here and my now is covered in a deep, dense fog. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am in a mode of confusion. The past four days have been a living nightmare.
Thursday afternoon we got a call from Taylor. He told us that after nearly 50 days of sobriety, he fell into the snare of temptation. He used drugs and got kicked out of the Phoenix House. Our world was once again turned upside down.
We knew that one day, he could stumble and fall. We had just not prepared ourselves. We had no plan in place. Confusion set in.
Over the course of the next four days we dealt with drugs, pain, confusion, anger, hurt, remorse, guilt, addiction, mistakes, psychosis, illness, mental confusion, withdrawl, tears, violent outbursts, exhaustion, a hospital visit, sleeplessness, fear, uncertainty, doctor's appointments, phone calls, fighting, arguing, helplessness, hopelessness, surrender - the list goes on and on.
We do not know what tomorrow holds. I don't even know what the next hour holds. I am weary and burdened. I know that God will give me rest. I am just waiting for that to happen. I am confused. I am worn down. I am trying to give it up to God, and not just "give up". It is just so hard to do. I struggle. I fall. I get back up. I hold on to HOPE.
Taylor made a mistake. It is now up to him to do the right thing. He is to appear in court on Thursday. In all probability he will go to jail. He will face the consequences of his actions.
Is this what I want for my son, no. Do I have any control over it, no. I have to accept that whatever happens - it is in God's plan. I know that God has a plan for his life and for mine. I have to TRUST in that. It is all I can do.
I have a lot on my plate. I want a peace that surpasses all understanding. I am preparing my heart to go on a Mission half way across the world. I can not let Satan steal my focus, my clarity. I will fight each step of the way to keep my eye on the prize. Giving it all to God, the pain, the glory, the disappointments the victories.
He has it all figured out.
I just have to rest in that.
Pray for me, pray for us. Prayer is powerful - this I know.
Labels: Today there is FOG