Thursday, April 15, 2010

I want to turn back the hands of time...

Taylor age 5 circa 1996 holding Trenton age 4 months...I want to go back to these days!

My chest feels like I have an elephant sitting on it.  My heart is racing.  I can hear my pulse pounding inside my head.  Panic ... I want to bolt for the door and run away.

I was making an attempt - a real honest to goodness, wholehearted attempt to have a "good day".  
I was on my way to "walk" to Turner's school and let Trevan ride his scooter. 
I was going to take the kids to the lake afterward and feed the ducks.  All things were right and good in my world as I know it - until I got the phone call telling me that Taylor was being released TOMORROW.

"Are you kidding me?" I shrieked into the phone.  "How is it possible when he was sentenced to 10 days in jail on the 13th?"  That would be April 23rd - not April 16th!!!  It seems that there is a new law to help save the State of California money.  He got "credit" for the night he went in, and the day he went to court.  SO that takes it to 8 days from the 12th.  Then for each day he is there and has "good behavior" he gets a day knocked off.  So, he has been there 4 days so he gets 4 days knocked off -- Happy Birthday to ME! 

Instead of a reprieve and a restful, peaceful Birthday - I get to deal with Taylor.  Lovely.  
Okay God - what now?

I do not mean to appear insensitive and selfish here - but I am baked, fried and done!!

I can't deal with anymore lies, drug use, drunkenness, angry outbursts, destruction of property, being made a spectacle of in our apartment complex - and on and on.

Why can we not have just a little bit of PEACE from this hell we are living in?  What is wrong with our system - we have nothing in place to help families like ours and people like Taylor.

They say that God never gives you more than you can handle - so I will have to rest in that.  I feel like I can't take it - but know I will - I have no other choice than to dig deep.

Taylor will not and can not understand.  He will expect to be welcomed home with open arms.  He will have his apologies ready for us and for Kamille.  He has had time to come up with the words to say--
the ones he thinks we need to hear.  Sadly they will fall on deaf ears.  We can not hear the excuses any longer.  My head and heart is full - full of the lies and the excuses - they spill out now as fast as he can say them.

I lost my cell phone yesterday.  Turner passed out in Mimi's Cafe.  I thought that that was enough activity for one day, but I was mistaken.
Today's frustrations top those tenfold.

If I were a drinker - I'd be driven to drink.  Instead I cheated.  (well sorta)  I sat down just now and instead of eating a late lunch - I ate a 140 calorie Skinny Cow Mint Chip Ice Cream Sandwich.  It had my allotted carb count for the whole day - but hey - the day is almost over!  
A girl just sometimes has to have a lil chocolate and ice cream to set her world right...

I'll keep you posted.

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way?
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day?

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to RID my endless fears !
You've been so faithful for all my years !
With the one breath You make me new !
Your grace covers all I do !