Thursday, April 8, 2010

Looking Up... It is my only option.

I am just numb right now.  I just learned after waiting what has seemed like an eternity - that Taylor is not even on the waiting list for The Phoenix House.  

He met with them on February 9th and we were told he was being placed at that time on a waiting list.  We have had him call every Tuesday and every Thursday to assure that his name is kept on the list and were never told any different.  

Today after we have left 8 messages over the past 2 weeks we finally got a call back.  I was transfered to someone who informed me that he was not on the list because they said he did not qualify.  Due to the fact he is on meds he did not meet their criteria and that he needs further assessment.  They would not place him on the list until the assessment was complete.  

News to us!  Now after 3 months of waiting - we are back to square one.  They also told me that they do not even have a 45 day treatment plan unless it is privately paid for at the cost of $30,000.  This is what the Public Defender pushed for not checking the facts - obviously.  Taylor is not employed and can not support himself - nor can we afford $30,000 for a short treatment plan when we know he needs 6 months or a year.

I do not know what to do but cast my cares on Him.  

Okay Lord, what now?  I am at a breaking point.  I can't take Taylor's behavior and attitude - we are held prisoner in our own home.  The world has to revolve around his every move.  His unpredictable behavior has everyone on high alert at all times.  It is causing us all such undue stress.  

But, what are our options?  He is mentally unstable, uses drugs and alcohol to numb his madness.  Even though he is on 3 years formal probation - that is seeming to be a joke.  He went to his first appointment after he stayed out all night drinking and using.  We just knew he would be tested and put in jail.  No.  He went only to find the probation officer was on vacation and he was told to return in 2 weeks!  We can't catch a break!

It is sad when you hope that your child be placed behind bars.  It is pitiful that you hope each time the phone rings that it is a rehab place calling with an opening for your child.  Yet, what do you do?  Unless one has lived in this madness you really can not wrap your mind around this situation.

I know it is easy looking in.  I have been there.  I have seen other people who I care about struggle.  I have been where you are.  It is easy to tell someone else what to do, how to live their life.  Yet, there are so many facets.  Tiny roots holding fast in the unstable soil. 

You see, we are not just dealing with an addict.  We are not just dealing with some one with a brian injury.  We are not just dealing with a person who is mentally ill.  We are not just dealing with a child. 

We are dealing with OUR child who suffered a brain injury that exacerbated mental illness and depression and fed into addiction.  If he were just an unruly teen that chooses to do drugs and use alcohol things could be dealt with differently.  If we did not have to worry about his mental stability and the fact he feels he has nothing to live for - things could be different.

This is my reality.  I love my son.  I also love 3 other sons.  I have the burden of making choices that are right for each of them.  All have different needs.  So do I.

Oh, Lord...please help us know what is right.  Help our son get the help he so needs.  Help us to hang on. 

I want to live, not become a shell of a mother to my children. 


All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep (we sing)

Come Lord Jesus come