Thursday, May 14, 2009


Superwoman has lost her cape.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

I have tried to persevere, stay strong and ask God to hear my cries. I have hit a wall. I feel like I am going to crack.

Yesterday it became very clear that Taylor's fragile emotional state needed constant attention. In an effort to get him help - we called the social worker and got him in ASAP. She assessed him and agreed that he needed help right away. She called several in-patient treatment centers and spoke to him about the importance of getting into a place and staying there.

It is either this - or jail.

No parent ever wants to think of their child in jail. It is a terrifying thought.

She found an open bed at the Phoenix House in Santa Ana. We came home and tried to prepare him and show him on the Internet all about the program. He was not "excited" but felt relieved and agreed that he needs to go.

At 3:00pm I dropped him off at Nikki's and by 4:00pm she sent me a text, say that they got into an argument and that Taylor left saying that we would never see him again.

I had a pit in my stomach and felt like we had lost him forever. I prayed and asked the Lord that his will be done. I asked for relief from this emotional hell that we have been living with Taylor. Many hours passed and I sat worried. He finally showed up at the hotel around 9:00pm under the influence of marijuana - so he said.

This morning he packed his bags and we all were prepared for him to go to the Phoenix House and start his journey of rehabilitation.

We drove there with the tension running high. We arrived and found out that we were misinformed and there was not an opening but rather a 6 week wait.

I broke down - I cried and cried. It was if they had handed me a death sentence for my son. We drove home in silence as I sobbed and wept for my child. He was within reach - but help is so far away.

I fear the days ahead. I will rely on the Lord to handle this as I can not any longer.

We should be celebrating that we are to move tomorrow - but the happiness is overshadowed with worry and grief.

Pray that the social worker can help Taylor before he decides to help himself and end his life - or hurt someone else. My heart is so broken - I felt it CRACK today - another time.

I have a pain in my chest where my heart lays beating. It is a pain that I can not describe. A pain that I do not want to feel. Please pray that I am able to carry on. I need to rest, revive and keep on keeping on. I know what I need to do - doing it is another thing.

I will keep you posted.