Friday, May 8, 2009

A Mother's Love...

I was invited to be in Burbank right now enjoying a complete makeover and photo session, as a winner of a Mother's Day Contest. Instead I am sitting in a dark room after 2.5 hours of sleep attempting to write you. It is ironic that Mother's Day is here and all I can do is cry. As I sat in the Emergency Room watching my "baby" who is now a legal adult, cry and scream while a security guard was trying to rationalize with him not to, all I could do was cry.

This was not his first time in the ER. We spent several sleepless nights when he was a baby and a child in the hospital for one thing or another. Each thing was a medical issue that he had no control over. This night was different.

He was here due to a series of poor choices he made. Tonight he was being held in a hospital gown, catheterized, in pain in a 4 point restraint. He was tied to the bed one arm above his head the other at his side. His legs spread with restraints on each ankle. As he thrashed about in the bed - terribly intoxicated crying out asking "Why am I here? WHAT did I do?" - my mind took me to the day he was born. All the joy, anticipation and love that I felt can not be described in words.

As his beautiful blue eyes met mine I still could see the little baby of 18 years ago. He would go from crying one minute to yelling the next so drunk he did not know and would not remember what he was saying. As a mom, watching your CHILD like this, well the feelings are indescribable. A child to me in an adults body - a body I can no longer protect. A body I can no longer pick up and hold. My kisses do not make anything better like they did years ago. Helpless. I feel - helpless.

Our children my grow but in our hearts they stay young. We love them as much or more as when they were innocent little beings relying on us for everything. A Mother's Love - A Mother's Pain.

Taylor has made choices in HIS life - choices that I had no control over. He chose to try drugs when he was 13. He suffered in school - he suffered with addiction. He went to programs, special schools, re-hab. In the end - it always was and still is - his choice. His choice to use, to drink, to become enraged. He also made the fatal mistake of choosing NOT to wear a helmet almost a year and a half ago while skateboarding. That choice has cost him his chance at a normal life. A life he could be living without taking medications daily - or choosing not to take them. Results - all not positive - from a severe brain injury.

Taylor now 18 is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He is addicted to self medicating and doing what he feels will make his life all better in that moment. When we choose to live like this - playing Russian Roulette with our lives and lives of others there are consequences that have to be paid.

Taylor found himself in this same hospital a couple months ago. He chose that night to nearly drink himself to death and ended up on a 51/50 hold which resulted in 3 days in a lock down psych ward. It made an impact - but not a big enough one.

Here we sit again. This time things could have been much worse. Many people were involved. Nikki broke up with him. He became depressed, despondent. 19 people called 911 when he became enraged and violent after drinking a whole bottle of Tequila that he stole from a grocery store. He physically assaulted innocent bystanders who were trying to help his girlfriend flee his rage. He damaged people's cars. He chose to wield a knife and threaten a man. He kicked a police officer, he spat on another. He is going to be charged with may offenses. He will have to face the consequences of his choices.

As he finally sobered up and did not recollect any of the events of the past evening - he cried and said how sorry he was. We know. We know his heart. He is a good person. A loving, kind, sweet person who would not MEAN to cause harm to anyone. Unfortunately he does not have control over his actions when he is high or drunk. His mind goes into a black rage - erasing all that happened once it is over.

He needs help.

He was taken last night to a facility. I do not know much about it or what will happen from here.
I know he will stay longer than 3 days and pray he will get the help he needs. His life is no longer in my hands - his destiny not in my control.

He is God's son and I know God loves him much more that I. That I can't even imagine as I would give my life for my son, as God's son did for us. Love ... it runs so deep.

So this Mother's Day I may not get a card from my son drawn on colored paper with crayon. I will not get a ring that he chose for me off of QVC Shopping Channel. I will not get the chocolates that he picked out because they were his favorite. I will not get a meal that he cooked for me with a bouquet of flowers from my garden, one that he helped plant. I will not sit beside him in a nice restaurant. I may not get to see him at all.

I will love him just the same. I am his Mother. A Mother's Love will never change.

Please have a Happy Mother's Day and say a Prayer for Taylor - he has a long - long road ahead.