Wednesday, November 4, 2009 human.

Oh, I am so human.  I am afraid that my humanness is getting in my way.  I know in my mind what it says to do in God's instruction manual of life - but applying it at times is such a challenge.

I am flawed.  I am human.  I lose patience with my toaster.  I find it painful to stand today and wait while it takes a eternity to toast my bread.  Frustrated I take it out prematurely slap some butter and peanut butter on it in a haphazard manner and call it breakfast.  Chewing on my not-so-toasted bread I reflect on the events of yesterday and try to decided what I can accomplish today.  It seems that we are spending time spinning our wheels.  I have grown weary of calling one resource after another to hear the same story again, and again, and again.

I am at a place where defeat is getting the better of me and I am having a hard time being positive.  I know - I know.  I have heard it from so many.  Look on the BRIGHT side.  Count your BLESSINGS.  I have and continue to do so.  What my question is to people is HOW when the darkness seems to overshadow the bright spots do you keep on going when your emotions get the best of you and drain every ounce of energy from your pshycie?

It is so much easier to tell someone else HOW they should be doing it than having to apply your advice to your own life.  I know people mean well.  Generally people want to help and often times do not know how.  Sometimes I just need to vent - I need a shoulder to cry on.  I am not looking to anyone to "fix" things because I know they can't.  I know that this too shall pass.  I pray each day for the burdens to be lifted and give the many frustrations up to God.  I just need more energy, patience and a dose of perseverance. 

We need prayers.  I need the Lord to deliver us from this "financial uncertainty".  The "not knowing" is the hardest part.  My greatest desire it to provide a stable happy home for our children.  I want to "be here" for them as their mom.  I do not want to be emotionally absent because my stresses are too much to bear.  I do not want them to be fearful that we may not have a roof over head in a month.  I do not want them to be hungry, go without clothing or shoes.  It pains me greatly to watch them suffer. 

With that - I will leave you now.

Please pray for us.  Pray that Stace, Taylor or myself will find a way to earn money to support our family.  Pray that we will not be facing eviction at Christmas.  Pray for Taylor's court hearing on Friday.

Most of all I thank you for caring.