Monday, February 16, 2009

minute by minute

tick...tock...this moment - now...

I have done some reflecting and realize that I allow time - to control me and my life.

Instead of living minute by minute I have spent unnecessary energy on focusing on what is going to happen in the next hours, days, weeks, months or years. We can not predict the future so why is it we spend so much time trying to neatly fit our lives and activities into a little window that is defined by time?

I guess my personality or the way God wired me has a bit to do with it. I am a spontaneous person and love adventure but there is a side to me that likes assemblance of order. But when I dissect that - assemblance is just resemblance, a likeness, an appearance. I like for things to appear to be in order - but am not sure if I have what it takes to make it happen. Perhaps that is why I spend time trying to figure out what is going to happen, what needs to happen and what may happen.

I need to refocus and live minute to minute. Live like this day is my last. Focus on the NOW not on what is next. These are hard things for me to wrap my mind around! I like to plan things and have them work out like I want. I want to fit my things into a box that is constrained by time.

As I was driving into work looking at things that bring me pleasure - I realized how time has such a hold on me. I adore the trees that have lost their leaves dark and textured against the blue sky. I want to stop and watch the rain drip slowly from their branches. I would love to use my camera to record these things for my enjoyment. I can't do so - because I am in a rush - a hurry - to get somewhere. All because of time or the lack there of...

I am going to do my best to be here - and live now. This obsession with time has robbed my kids of the essence of the moment and has hindered me in enjoying them as little precious beings. For that I can be sad - or I can move on and refocus for the future. So now I choose to live like there is no tomorrow. I vow to not let schedules, clocks or calendars ruin who I am by allowing the stress of expectations to infiltrate my being.

I am going to look at my children through new eyes. Eyes that I am grateful to have. Children that I have been honored to have been given.

So now I vow that...
I will be.

Just me...minute by minute.