I have been here and I have been there. I have been doing some of this and some of that. Not a lot of fruitful activities I fear.
I mean well - but somehow my path becomes slippery and I seem to slide off in a different direction. I when out of town to see about a job and re-location. I was able to spend some time with my friend and it was a great escape from "MY" reality. Although it is funny..."MY" reality is not far enough away even though I may be.
I have thought of myself as confident and strong in the past but lately I do not have a lot of strength and I am not confident in what my future holds.
My husband is on edge - going a little mental over the situations looming overhead - homelessness - complete poverty - not finding work - dealing with four boys. I can't blame him - the difference is I have one up on him. I have to deal with all the same issues - and my list includes HIS mental state and the fact that I have to go to work and apply for job after job - go on interview after interview and deal with all the other stresses he can not handle.
So, in theory I have 5 boys...FIVE children to care for. I feel as though I am swimming - treading water in a muddy - mucky pond. My body is laden with mud and pond sludge and treading water is becoming more and more difficult by the day.
I went into work to fill in yesterday only to find the stock room filled with brand new baby beds. No problem, except they were lined up 5 rows deep in FRONT of my camera cart. I had to try to hold a heavy door open with one foot and jimmy and wrangle each bed out of the room, parallels my life.
Moving one obstacle after another to finally get to what we need to survive.
I finally cleared the camera cart, got it out of the storage room then had to move each bed back into the room before I could do my work. What a hassle. Life. It can be filled with hassles, can't it? I finished my work and went back to put my cart away, forgetting that all those beds filled the storage room. I opened the door only to find they had delivered MORE and I had to move 10 more plus all the others to get my cart back into the corner where it lives. Sheesh.
I was not a happy camper. I did the task at hand, and after getting my cart back into the corner...getting all the beds back into the room I looked at my accomplishment and sighed. I felt glad that was all done.
As I looked over the room feeling pleased with myself something shiny on my cart caught my eye...could it be? NO! Not my car keys! I just wanted to scream. Had it been my umbrella - I would have walked the mile in the rain - but the stinkin car keys?!
I had to then move all those beds out to clear a path to retreive my keys. Like I said, treading water in the mucky, muddy pond. I made my way to the parking lot - a mile walk to the employee section.
As I did I got a call from Saddleback Church telling me that the position that I applied for, and thought I had - well...they were "Un" Hiring me. She said she could not add anymore staff at this time, she was kind and prayed with me.
My heart still sunk to the bottom of the muddy pond. Endurance...it is running low. Strength...almost gone. I called my friend to "cry on her shoulder" then tried to call my mom...no answer.
As I drove home in the driving rain - I cried. I begged God to stop testing me. I am tired. I am doing the best I can do...I came home - back to the reality that I call "my life". A depressed husband, fighting kids, and a puppy who loves me so much he can not keep his tongue off me. I appreciate his doggy kisses - really I do - but after the day I had - I found that being covered in doggy tongue to be irritating. I got him a bone to chew...had a fight with my husband - kissed my kids and went out to use a gift card for dinner.
I am not a "drinker" really. Not in the alcoholic sense. I enjoy a drink now and then. I do not use alcohol to escape life's problems, BUT... Tonight I decided that a margarita sounded really good.
We went to Avila's - I had a pomegranite margarita and a xanax. I ate my favorite tableside guacamole and life for the moment felt good.
I came home, watched my favorite show - The Biggest Loser - on Tivo curled up in my bed with all three of my boys who still need their mama, then fell fast asleep.
Today...is another day. I am going to work - maybe.
As I was writing this - Stace discovered that the little villian who enhabits our dwelling - locked our bedroom door and shut it. We have one of those KEY locks - as we have to keep the BIG Villian - Taylor - locked out so he does not steal our pocket change, or any meds that he thinks might "make his world right".
So as I am writing this - my injured husband is climbing a ladder to the second story bedroom window - using a butter knife to remove the screen and attempt to "break in" to our room so I may take a shower, dawn my purple uniform and go make $10 an hour to put food on the table.
Oh, and did I mention that he is doing all this . . . in the pouring RAIN?
Life...can it be much better?
Make YOUR day a great one - all I can do is try!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Labels: raining - tears...