Friday, February 27, 2009

One foot in front of the other...

Well - I keep putting one foot in front of the other - making progress one step at a time. Yesterday I went to the doctor as I have been suffering from anxiety - like I have never had before. It was causing my heart to whack out and I felt like I was going to pass out - when I became overwhelmed. I know this is just situational and will pass when our lives get settled. The doctor was able to give me some medicine to help me in the meantime.

We took the boys to the hotel to help transition them so they can better understand where we will be going and lessen their anxiety. They thought it was really "cool" and loved the fact there was a pool - Trenton loved the workout room.

I'll admit the tiny fridge and 400 square foot room will take a bit of getting used to as a home - we will have some spacial challenges especially in the sleeping arrangements. We will have 2 queen beds for 5 people and they do not have roll away beds. We may borrow a cot and see if we can make due so that everyone has a place to call their "bed".

We still have not gotten our 5 day notice - maybe today.

We are thankful for each day and are thankful to the people who set up the hotel stay as well as the general manager for giving us the great rate of $59 a night. We will use our yard sale money for the hotel fees. I am not sure of the journey past this - so I will wait and see what the Lord has in store.

I keep applying for jobs - and going forward. The thing I miss most about getting rid of all our possessions is the washing machine and dryer - you do not realize how much laundry is generated by 6 people when it is gone!

A woman wrote me and asked me what I have learned thorough this process.

I took some time to reflect and I can say that I have been humbled. I have become more aware of myself. I think I have been stretched and have developed a greater sense of resilience, the ability to take what comes, bounce back and move on. I am quicker to process information and weigh the options.

I am not dwelling on the negative - but attempting to focus on what will come - not what has become.

I feel like I am finding myself in this process and learning more about me. I am letting myself emerge and break free. I know what makes me happy but have suppressed and sacrificed some of these things over the years to conform to what I thought the world and people around me wanted me to be.

I now know that it is okay to be. Okay to be ME. Janean...just Janean.

I am stronger - although I have days where I break down. I fall apart then I get back up again. Sometimes you have to cry. Sometimes you have to laugh at your situation. These are all coping mechanisms that help thrust you forward on your journey.

I have learned that I am relational. I love friends, and relationships. I love meeting new people and connecting with those from my past. My relationships are my treasures.

We will be okay - even though there are days that it may not seem like it. I thank all who have helped us and continue to help us along the way. I know that we have the ability now and always to pay it forward. We will be blessed to be a blessing to others. I will make it a mission to go forward and do just that.

Each day is a new day in the Lord - and because of that I have hope and comfort.

This is not easy - as we all know - nothing in LIFE that is worth anything comes without work. It takes 9+ months to create a human being and then the labor of love to bring that child into the world. I am in the pregnancy stage of this journey and look forward to the day I can give birth to our new life.

I'll keep you posted - thanks for coming with me on my journey!