Saturday, January 31, 2009

where am I going...

It has been a few days since I posted - where did the days go? They are all a blur.

Today I felt as though I was hit. Hit with a large boulder right in the heart.

I was driving to work...alone. Suddenly it hit me- out of no where - a dark, lonely, lost feeling. I felt LOST...

I grabbed my cell phone and called one person...then another. No answer. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I tried to distract myself with music on the radio and thoughts of all the little babies that I would see today. I pulled myself together, and went to work. It was a crazy busy day and as I cradled each precious life in my arms and shushed and swayed them I realized that that is what I longed for. I want someone to hold me - shush me, sway me and tell me that my world will all be okay.

I know so many people have credited me with the label of a "strong woman" and I am sorry to not live up to that title. I am weak now. I do not know where my strength has gone - but every fiber of my being feels depleted. I have recently had the pleasure of dissecting a romantic relationship of a friend. As I have observed this relationship for a long while I have come to the realization that most of us are seeking words of affirmation.

A compliment goes a long way. Are we all not insecure in some area or another? I think if we could put into practice the fine art of affirming one another we would all be so much better for it. Not only does it feel good to give - it feels VERY good to receive.

Mind games - they should be a thing of the past.

Why if we really love someone or admire something about them can we not just SAY it? Now that I am 40ish - I think it is high time we all just SAY what we want and what we need from those in our lives.

I admit I do not affirm my friends and family near enough. Maybe that is why my heart feels so cold - lost - lonely. Perhaps God is trying to tell me to reach out and do unto others as I would have done unto me... SO, if you know I care for you and I love you - I am sorry for not saying it more. I cherish all my friendships deeply and want to harvest each and every one.

Pray for me - as I am sad today. Perhaps I will not be tomorrow - as tomorrow is another day. But for today...I am sad - just very sad.