Friday, July 3, 2009

energy gone

Oh to find joy in the simplest things like creating a bubble...

Taylor has been "home" 2 days. I have found it to be more emotional draining than I had ever imagined. I can deal with babies, I can deal with kids. This is uncharted territory. Addiction and Mental Illness - a combination as deadly as gasoline and matches. I fear that my engine died yesterday. My candle burned at both ends until nothing was left. My rope once long had slipped slowly through my fingers until nothing but tiny shreds were left - then they too slipped from my grasp. My mind numb my agitation high. Tears ready to spill over at a moments notice blurring the vision that I take for granted each day. I longed to just curl up in bed, covers overhead blocking out the world as it is.

I went through the motions of the day. I participated in feeding 6 kids lunch. I handed 3 of them off to my mom who took the girls to get their nails done. I drove Taylor to his appointment at his social workers office, then put on a movie for my 2 little guys in the van and curled up in the back seat to sleep. I knew if I did not I would explode...implode inward and nothing would be left of what once was me.

I drove home on autopilot taking the roads that are traveled often. Stopping for the red lights and going forth with the green. I arrived home, spoke to my mother and proceeded to speak my mind - emotions spilling fast and furious like that of the water spilled over the niagara falls. I sobbed, I screamed, I cried. I expressed that I can not do this anymore, I don't have it in me. My fight is gone. My energy spent.

  • Bills need to be paid.
  • We were robbed of $2500 from a "Christian Rehab" that now I have to file a lawsuit against.
  • I owe friends money - I owe my parents money.
  • Our van needs new tires.
  • Stace works hard on his job and there are issues with his pay - or lack there of that he is not addressing.
  • Marriage. That is an issue in and of it's self. Two people living under the same roof - both with very different ideas of what should happen and what does happen. Frustration at it's finest.
  • I can not work because there are 4 kids to take care of - one a drug addict and alcoholic, one a teenager with attitude, one with an autism spectrum disorder and one who is just all boy - not the best behaved. All somehow my fault - lack of this too much of that.
  • Our food stamps have been cut due to the state going broke.
  • Medi-Cal benefits are disappearing too - for the same reason.
  • Laundry piling up, no food in the house, boxes that still need unpacking, toilet paper and good nights to purchase, vacuuming, dusting, plants to water, beds to change the list goes on and on and on.
My once decent self esteem has taken a downward spiral. I do not wish to see people. I look like hell. I have gained weight, have no clothes to speak of, own one bra, need undies. I have not had my nails done in 7 months, my toenails look like I am a hillbilly chipped and split. My hair is in need of cutting, the dark circles under my eyes look like spare tires. My body aches for rest. My mind wants to just not think. I want to throw my cell phone into the bottom of a lake.

Guilt is is a 4 letter word. I do not operate well on being "guilted". I feel that people telling me that I have not done a good job of this...And if only I had done that...I did this and it resulted in their poor choices...If only I was a better, mother, a better wife a better this and better that - THAT THEY WOULD BE HAPPY - that they would be DIFFERENT.

I am done. I can not and will not shoulder the burden of being responsible for other people's happiness or lack there of. End of Story.

I am sorry if I have let you down. My once upbeat attitude of trust, hope, and keep on keeping on has run dry.

I thought yesterday - that could it be possible...That God had wonderful intentions of a nice big world filled with love and people who were able to make their choices in life? Could it be possible that the whole thing got away from Him, the ultimate creator of all things. Could it possibly be that things went awry and that the world got too big - too out of control for even God? Maybe there is so much sadness and so much pain that He is overwhelmed. I am but a tiny grain of sand - one tiny grain in millions and millions and perhaps he can not hear my cry over all the others.

I have held on - I have had faith, hope and love. I am human.

I do not know - it says God will not give us more than we can handle - but I am there. I can not handle anymore - my God - if YOU can not hear my cry - than what do I do now?

Either he will hear my cry or he will not. I do have faith that one day I will meet Him and then - I can ask...