Wednesday, July 1, 2009


You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and all your STRENGTH.

I made phone call after phone call yesterday looking, searching and begging for resources to help me find the help Taylor needs. I was told time and again that due to the fact we have medi-cal and do not have money to pay out of pocket there was virtually nothing for him.

Frustration. Anger. Exhaustion. Emotions that I have had my fill of. I feel my chest tighten, my breath quicken, my blood pressure rise. I tell his story to each person on the end of the phone - time and time and time again. My payoff - is nothing. I get the same answer from each person. No answers - just well wishes.

So here we are - blindly moving forward. Just having to TRUST. Trust God to show me the way - to light the dark path of the unknown. Addiction and mental illness - my child. I want to run and hide but I can not. I am forced to deal with him, his disease, his illness. I am angry. I am sad. I hurt. I tire. I am scared. I fear the unknown. I have never been down this road before and wish I could take a U-turn and start again.

Taylor will arrive here today on a bus from the mental hospital and meet with his social worker tomorrow. I am to administer his meds to him and he is to go to Al-Anon, and Narc-Anon Meetings. Beyond that - I do not know.

I will do my best to meet his needs - but it has to be him - he has to meet me more than half way. From here on out it has to be him - he has to commit 100% - I can't do any of it for him.

I am almost done - just fried. I do not know how much more I can take. Trust. I will trust. That is all I can do. So...Lord - here I am trusting that you have a plan. I will try to not grow weary and walk beside Taylor. Only YOU Lord can do it - carry out your plan. I give up. I am just the mama - who can not fix anything.

So say a little prayer for me and a BIG prayer for Taylor. Pray that I can set my anger and frustration aside and be who he needs me to be - a loving and supportive mom. It is so hard.

I pray you never have to journey down this path - it is dark, lonely, scary and terrible.

I will keep you updated.