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You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and all your STRENGTH.I made phone call after phone call yesterday looking, searching and begging for resources to help me find the help Taylor needs. I was told time and again that due to the fact we have medi-cal and do not have money to pay out of pocket there was virtually nothing for him.
Frustration. Anger. Exhaustion. Emotions that I have had my fill of. I feel my chest tighten, my breath quicken, my blood pressure rise. I tell his story to each person on the end of the phone - time and time and time again. My payoff - is nothing. I get the same answer from each person. No answers - just well wishes.
So here we are - blindly moving forward. Just having to TRUST. Trust God to show me the way - to light the dark path of the unknown. Addiction and mental illness - my child. I want to run and hide but I can not. I am forced to deal with him, his disease, his illness. I am angry. I am sad. I hurt. I tire. I am scared. I fear the unknown. I have never been down this road before and wish I could take a U-turn and start again.
Taylor will arrive here today on a bus from the mental hospital and meet with his social worker tomorrow. I am to administer his meds to him and he is to go to Al-Anon, and Narc-Anon Meetings. Beyond that - I do not know.
I will do my best to meet his needs - but it has to be him - he has to meet me more than half way. From here on out it has to be him - he has to commit 100% - I can't do any of it for him.
I am almost done - just fried. I do not know how much more I can take. Trust. I will trust. That is all I can do. So...Lord - here I am trusting that you have a plan. I will try to not grow weary and walk beside Taylor. Only YOU Lord can do it - carry out your plan. I give up. I am just the mama - who can not fix anything.
So say a little prayer for me and a BIG prayer for Taylor. Pray that I can set my anger and frustration aside and be who he needs me to be - a loving and supportive mom. It is so hard.
I pray you never have to journey down this path - it is dark, lonely, scary and terrible.
I will keep you updated.
xoxo
Janean
Frustration. Anger. Exhaustion. Emotions that I have had my fill of. I feel my chest tighten, my breath quicken, my blood pressure rise. I tell his story to each person on the end of the phone - time and time and time again. My payoff - is nothing. I get the same answer from each person. No answers - just well wishes.
So here we are - blindly moving forward. Just having to TRUST. Trust God to show me the way - to light the dark path of the unknown. Addiction and mental illness - my child. I want to run and hide but I can not. I am forced to deal with him, his disease, his illness. I am angry. I am sad. I hurt. I tire. I am scared. I fear the unknown. I have never been down this road before and wish I could take a U-turn and start again.
Taylor will arrive here today on a bus from the mental hospital and meet with his social worker tomorrow. I am to administer his meds to him and he is to go to Al-Anon, and Narc-Anon Meetings. Beyond that - I do not know.
I will do my best to meet his needs - but it has to be him - he has to meet me more than half way. From here on out it has to be him - he has to commit 100% - I can't do any of it for him.
I am almost done - just fried. I do not know how much more I can take. Trust. I will trust. That is all I can do. So...Lord - here I am trusting that you have a plan. I will try to not grow weary and walk beside Taylor. Only YOU Lord can do it - carry out your plan. I give up. I am just the mama - who can not fix anything.
So say a little prayer for me and a BIG prayer for Taylor. Pray that I can set my anger and frustration aside and be who he needs me to be - a loving and supportive mom. It is so hard.
I pray you never have to journey down this path - it is dark, lonely, scary and terrible.
I will keep you updated.
xoxo
Janean
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