Monday, October 19, 2009

Always a mom...No Matter What!

Photo from my Photo Session with the Lopez Family this morning...

I sit here now on the small leather love seat with my feet propped too high on the cedar chest in front of me.  My back muscles are screaming out for me to change my position to relieve the strain of this uncomfortable manner in which I am sitting.  My world yesterday was peaceful and serene.  Today it is falling down in pieces all around.  My husband is not handling his unemployment.  He has no hope.  He is beaten down.  He has given up.  He is angry.  He is stressed.  He is not controlling his temper.  He is lashing out at everyone around.  We are the ones who care.  Yet he can not see that. 

Tension hangs in the air so thick you can cut it with a knife.  While I was gone this weekend nothing got done.  Laundry sat in piles.  The fuel tank in the van still empty.  In trying to prepare for the upcoming week I discovered that no one has clean clothes.  Cupboards are bare.  My usually OCD husband did not do much it appears in my absence.  I need to do loads of laundry and must go to the store to get breakfast food and snacks for the kids to take to school. It is nearly 7:00pm and I am tired.

I just retrieved the mail to see if the grocery store circular was there only to find a letter from Lakeside Middle School informing me that Trenton who is at the Skate Park at the moment, is failing 2 of his core classes.  I am so mad that steam is coming out of my ears. Trying to reach him on his friend's cell phone - I get a voicemail.  I am not happy.  No not happy at all.  He has failed to call and check in.  He is gonna get an earful from me when we pick him up tonight.

When the people around you are down and out their dark mood tends to taint even the brightest spots.  I try very hard to keep the momentum going.  To keep on keeping on.  I try to remain calm.  I try to speak in low tones.  I want to yell and scream but I struggle to maintain some semblance of order.  I feel weary.  I feel strained. 

As I write I look down to see a set of chubby little feet wiggling next to me.  My little Trevan wearing nothing but lounge pants sits pressed up against me doing his "homework".  His smooth warm skin radiating into mine and the smell of his clean hair fills my nose.  I watch as his little fingers struggle to trace a rectangle.  He looks to me for approval and grins.  My world for a moment returns to peaceful bliss as I admire this sweet little boy.

No matter the stress, the strain, the chores to be heart is filled with love for my kids.  They are all that matters.  They are what I live for.

So I will go now.  I will perform acts of service that they may not appreciate now or ever.  But they will have clean clothes and food to eat, and I will have fulfilled my role as their mother.