Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What do you do?

Taken on my trip to the Sequoias...

So, the question of the day is..."What do you do when you don't know what to do? "  
My little Turner asked me today "What are we going to do now that daddy does not have a job?"  I told him I did not know.  He pondered a moment and said "Well mom, WHAT do you do when you don't know WHAT to do?"

I had to sit quietly a moment and tell him that the only thing I know to do is to PRAY.  I explained that only God knows the answers.  He then asked me why we had to PRAY and why God did not have a telephone.  He said that he thought it would be SO much easier to just call God.  I had to laugh.  He is so right!  I quickly explained as I dressed him for school that God does not work that way.  He is all knowing and is everywhere.  He then said - "If he is everywhere then he needs a CELL PHONE!"  After giving a quick lesson on how God is God and very different from people, we finished getting ready for school.  Not an easy concept to understand at age 6. 

Seemingly satisfied Turner gave me a big hug and told me he "loved me SO much".  This is what I live for.  The squeeziest hugs and sweet kisses from my boys.  Sadly my older two do not do this anymore.

It seems that the stress of all things falling apart again has made Taylor and Trenton both act out.  Taylor stole Stace's debit card and took money from our bank to buy drugs.  We discovered this last night as I was trying to leave to go to Small Group.  A fury of phone calls, trying to get a hold of Taylor who was with Kamille, the bank and checking the account online.  It was a mess.  We did not know whether to call the police or find him and ring his neck.  He has been good for so long and now this.  He told us that he was not thinking and that he spent the money to buy Xanax.  He feels stressed and wants to get high by taking these pills.  My heart sank so low.  I feel hurt, angry and violated.  

Living in your home and not being able to trust your own child is a terrible feeling.  Dealing with someone who suffers from addiction, mental illness and a brain injury - is like being in prison.  We have to watch his moods.  We have to administer his meds, as he can't be trusted to be responsible to take them or take the right amount.  I do not need this right now.  I wanted to scream and shake him.  I did not.  I remained calm and told him sternly how violated we felt.  I told him he has broken all trust.  We explained that he will need to find a new home if this behavior is not stopped.  PERIOD.  End of story.

Trenton is lashing out at the lil guys and is failing 2 core classes.  We tried to talk to him but he shuts down.  He finally shared that kids at school tease him because of his clothes.  He needs new clothes as he only has one pair of pants.  He wears only black and kids have called him "goth".  He wants new things but knows we can't afford them.  He needs new shoes.  I wanted so badly to just cry.  I tried to apologize and that is not what he wanted to hear.  He just wanted to BE heard.  So, I listened.  He knows I can't fix it.  But I can listen.  So that is what I did.

One day at a time.  I know.  It is just so hard.

Today we are looking for jobs for Stace and Taylor.  We discussed whether or not I should return to work or if Stace should be the wage earner.  We will apply for jobs for him, Taylor then myself in that order.  We will see what God has in store.  I just wish this economy was not so terrible.  Making an already tough situation even tougher, I don't know if I have the stamina.  

I started this day with a prayer.  I will continue to pray throughout the day.  I will pray tonight.  It is all I know to do - when I don't know WHAT to do...

Until later...