Thursday, January 22, 2009

All I really long for is peace and tranquility...
That right now seems like such an outlandish request. I do not know why. I can not wrap my mind around the obstacles that continue to present themselves in the path of my life.
Peace, quiet, tranqil days seem like a dream to me. I have tried spending time alone with God - he is not answering me now. I know he wants me to continue to be faithful and patient - but I am a flawed human. He knows this. I can not out smart God. I don't even want to try.
My days are spent applying for jobs, searching for a home, and dealing with one emotional upheval after another where the members of my family are concerned. My burdens are heavy - I cast them off to the Lord. My mind is a fog - my bones are weary. I have been fighting the fight as long as I have been able.
I fear now that if I do not get a repreive or a rest or a quiet place to be with my thoughts I may seriously suffer a breakdown.
I try to communicate this to the ones I love - but I guess it is not within their comprehension. If you have not yourself been here - it is hard to expect others to know where you are.
My mind drifts when I am driving - at times I wish to keep going when the light turns red...keep driving and just see what happens.
I wonder what it would be like to just go - no where in particular...just go away. I want to go to bed and I do not want to have to get up and face the next day. I want to feel the soft sheets against my skin, curl up with my fluffy pillow, hug my soft blankets and just be.
I guess this is DEPRESSION...
1. sadness: a state of unhappiness and hopelessness - WELL THAT FITS
2. psychiatric disorder: a psychiatric disorder showing symptoms such as persistent feelings of hopelessness, dejection, poor concentration, lack of energy, inability to sleep, and, sometimes, suicidal tendencies - THAT FITS TOO
3. economic slump: a period in which an economy is greatly affected by unemployment, low output, and poverty - YEP - WE ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK!
4. reduced activity: a lowering of activity, quality, vitality, or force - UM HUM...

I want to be a tiny speck and blow about in the wind. I want no responsibilities - no more searching for the answers that I can not find. I am sorry if I am letting those of you down who have looked to me to be a strong source. A shining light. I have grown weak and dim.

I will try to keep you updated...